I want to say thank you to all of you.

And, while I've stopped being as apologetic for looking at porn, I still haven't pushed back to quuuiite that degree yet.

But, I have stopped hating myself.

My wife can get angry, really angry, at me, or fume to me about someone in my family, and if I as much as say I dont think it is quite like you are seeing it right now, her anger will really blow up. There IS a "you're on their side" and Im alone" mentality that comes out.

Once angry, she will just go lower, and lower, and deeper, until "you looked at porn."

Ive always been drawn to her, and these last few weeks, its just not there. Maybe that will change, but it doesnt feel like it.

Likd I said, I tried to talk to her about a family I felt empathetic towards, and THAT broke apart over 2 days to, "you used to look at porn".

There was No examination of self on her part.

Things are odd here now. Last night she began getting angry after I said I wanted to watch something of my choice to unwind, not something she picked out. She got madder, then said she couldnt stand to be near me. I said, "I get that, so just please leave. I need some down time."

Today, I've been asked to go out for coffee, if she could bring me a drink, if we could do something together tonight.

Everything in me just doesnt want to. I havent gotten angry in any way. It all just doesnt matter.

A friend, a good friend, asked me a couple of years ago what I like to do. I told him I dont know anymore. That was a wake up call.

I DO try to look after some small things since then that bring me happiness and that I can enjoy.

I havd dodged yhd codependeng label before. J will read up on what it all means.

And.... in my family, growing up, i witnessed a period of several years of alcohol abuse. Things were good before and after, and a lot of talk openly about how it effected me as an adult. Im glad I have them still.

Thank you all for your openess. This was more eye openjng than counselling.

RDM