I am awake with thoughts about my marriage. It is 3 AM and I cannot sleep. Ugh.

I really hope this changes things for the better. I really don't want to have to get a divorce. I took my marriage vows seriously. Very seriously. But I also take maintaining my self-respect, having healthy and positive mental health, and having a positive, healthy relationship even more seriously.

I don't know if he can pull this off. He seemed receptive and conciliatory yesterday about it, taking ownership of what happened, but not of his anger/rage issue. He did not acknowledge to me that he in fact, has a problem. He ignored that part of my text. He also seemed to get defensive when I asked if yelling at one another is what he is used to in relationships -- because I am not.

I also know that he had a most toxic relationship with is ex wife, and he blames it all on HER being abusive. But I know after being with him now for long enough that he was a part of the problem too. I don't think either of them treated each other well.

And I admit something here. We got married rather quickly. I always say and advise people to SLOW down and take their time, and mainly because when I haven't taken my time in my own relationships, it's caused trouble for me -- and sometimes, a LOT of trouble.

And here I am, now in a troubled marriage. We got engaged after 7 months of knowing each other, and married after just over one year together. I know other people who have been engaged quickly too, so it doesn't always necessarily spell trouble. But I do know from experience that slower is healthier and better overall.

I guess with me, I had reached an age where I knew what I wanted and didn't see the necessity to wait. Plus he wooed me like crazy for those seven months, and I fed into the romance of it all. How foolish of me, now that I see the position and trouble I am in. How utterly foolish. I had wanted to get married for so long, and here was a handsome and seemingly wonderful man swooping me off my feet wanting to marry me. And prior to him, I had had my heart destroyed. I wanted the fairytale, and a fairytale it was, at the time.

I should have known better. I kick myself now. Hard to take your own advice, but easier to say from afar and when you're not in the situation yourself. That's for sure.

So I sit here in the dark at 3 AM pondering the future of my marriage. And I guess I do not have high hopes right now since he slid backwards into the old habit again. Who's to say he won't do this again? And I will have to follow through on my firm words next time.

I also notice other little things that are bothersome: like he makes mean jokes at me. I always call him out on it and protest saying "that was mean" and "please don't joke in that way". Last night he "joked" that I am full of "hatred" for other people. Then he started to list the individuals I complain about to him, and rightfully so, I feel some amount of hatred towards certain people, like my boss who is trying to undermine me at work. But generally, I am one of the most loving and caring people IRL, so I took great offense to him saying I am hateful. I told him that's a put-down, that I don't see the humor in it, and please (once again) don't joke with me in that way. His response? "I can't do anything right".

I just don't know right now. And I wish I could freaking sleep and not be up worrying about my marriage.