It’s very concerning that you had developed so much self hate. It’s time to sit and be honest with yourself about what you can fix and what you can’t fix. Men tend to be fixers by nature and can be stubborn in their effort to try and fix something that can’t be fixed.

I believe you wanted to love your wife and have a loving happy relationship. But she really has not been with you on that goal. That’s why you had to find praise and a sense of value else where. And when you do find it else where she gets jealous and angry.

She needs your life to revolve around her and she starves you for praise and love and your sense of personal freedom. Any time you have a need she blows up at you for it and then if you start to distance she teases you with a sense of affection ?

You never stand up for yourself and you never have said to her that how she starved you led to your looking at porn. Have you ever said to her how she is doing exactly what her mother did that hurt her? Did you ever ask her if she ever thinks about how this is affecting her own children?

You don’t stand up to her because you know she won’t listen and instead will rage and things will get worse. And I bet you worry about how that will affect your children.

Your wife is creating the very environment she wanted to not have happen. This is what she knows, this is what she learned. She never actually witnessed normal healthy. Yes, she went no contact with her own family but that has not changed how she still lives it in her head. That’s the curse of ptsd as it’s intrusive. YOU can’t fix that!

This bottomless anger you are describing is happening because all this “hurt and trauma” comes forward and overwhelms her. That includes how she was hurt when she found out about you watching porn. From what you share your wife is basically in her own head 24/7. You can’t fix this! And imho your wife is incapable of giving you a NORMAL relationship.

You married a broken person. And you did not have the knowledge or life skills to see it like you are beginning to see it now. It’s not your fault that you fell in love with a broken person. Broken people are also “familiar” to you given your own history.