I admit that I was recently struggling with the notion of being single again. It was very painful for me years ago to be single and alone. I looked around me, and everyone was coupled up -- most of my friends at least and social acquaintances. I was alone for national holidays. I was alone on Christmas, while my sister had someone. I was alone on New Years eve, and it was very painful for me. I spent many days, nights and hours alone - the isolation I felt and experienced really got to me and made me deeply depressed. I finally up and moved across the country to resolve it and to experience new adventures. I was gone for 4 years, and then eventually returned back home.

So I had to face and contend with my fears of being alone again over the last week during this questioning of whether I need to divorce. And I came to the other side of it, thinking I can handle it, and still be happy on my own. I have some very good and close friendships, I do have support and I have a social life that is intertwined with my husband's but it could be ok -- I guess? If I just avoid him? I don't know.

If I divorce, I also decided that I will remain single for the rest of my life. I am done with all relationships. Though I've also had healthy relationships in my life and I know what they look like, I've also had a string of abusive relationships. I don't trust my judgement, and I don't trust myself anymore.

I really thought I had found a good man in the beginning with my husband. But he rushed into things, which. was a red flag. I was aware of him rushing things, and I was aware this was a red flag. But I wanted to give it a chance, so I continued, while telling him we had to take things more slowly. I tried at least.

On our wedding day, he blew up at me in anger and we fought the morning of our wedding. He told me to "leave him alone". I almost called the whole thing off. So here I am, on our anniversary, still questioning the marriage and still thinking perhaps it was a big mistake.