thankyou for your kind words...
i lost some friends when i was at my worst and i was only starting to learn i was depressed and sick as i just couldnt work out why i felt like i was losing my mind...now that im coming out of it and slowly getting better im seeing what i've lost because i got sick...and it was all my fault because i wasn't myself and behaved in a way that i was terrified everyone was going to leave me if i turned my back...so i was clingy in really unhealthy ways..but i guess my fears came true becuase i did end up abandoned....One friend who i was especially close to...just turned around one day and told me we are no longer friends...and it ripped my heart in two...it hurt so bad because i had no idea it was coming..im ok with it now...and don't want the friendship back anymore but it stil kills me that i must have been so awful that everything was just wothless and none of the good stuff we shared even mattered anymore. whenever i think about it i cry..im crying now coz i don't really understand what i did so wrong and how i was such a bad friend...coz all i felt was that i would do anything for my friends...i was in desparate need..that's true..but i was sick and scared..and alone in it..i don't have many friends...im so lucky im left with three best friends..but i enjoyed the friendhsip i have lost...and im sad...basically im just sad. im on meds...im on lexapro and serequel and a range of other stuff,,,i see a p doctor every two weeks and my doctor alternate weeks and a therapist weekly for childhood s abuse....its pretty full on but i did turn up there wanting help because i wanted and had planned out my way of ending it and was close to ending it when i realized i was such a horrible person to know....but ive come a long way and i was able to see my three best friennds who are there for me no matter what..and i know deep down im not a bad person...i just don't know why im such a useless friend....all i want is to be a good friebd and to not have hurt my frineds..or drain them or whatever i did..anyway...thats the story..i tend to crap on a bit..so sorry if you got bored..