I need therapy because of my therapist. So stressed and sad because of her! I thought she had the biggest heart ever but every so often she does something that's rude and immature. So I just convinced myself it's some kind of therapy technique. Recently after talking to 4 therapist I learned they aren't therapy techniques.
About the time the coronavirus pandemic started my life exploded and was overwhelmed, stressed, super depressed, no energy. I became extremely suicidal and was crying out for help. I have no friends, and only a sister somewhat nearby, but never felt safe to talk about stuff. My therapist was all I had. She invited me to send her daily email reports how I was doing, but things changed when I wrote her a suicide email. I didn't say I was going to do it. Nor did I have a plan, but I was crying out for help. I was shocked beyond belief of her reply. She wrote 2 sentences. Go to mental hospital. Call suicide hotline. That's it! She showed no compassion.
She started saying things that made me feel guilty. Like how she was spending 4 hours per day doing research for me. I never asked her to do that. She also complained how I've canceled my therapy with her a lot of times. I feel bad about that but from the beginning I told her I only do that when I've been triggered and am suicidal. So we both agreed early on that it's okay and that she's to ignore it and have at least one following therapy because by then I would be out of the triggered state. So I don't know why she started complaining about the cancellations all of a sudden.
Anyway, she told me I needed more intense therapy than she could provide. She said I'm now terminated as her client, forever! She said she can give me references to other psychologists? I asked her how did canceling our therapy give me more therapy? She's a clinical psychologist, some who specialists in trauma. I asked her how is another psychologist going to give me more intense therapy? Over the phone she stumbled for words and couldn't give an explanation. That caused the biggest suicidal trigger in me.
She demanded I go to the psych ward or she's calling the police. I went. Next day she calls me at the psych ward telling that I am no longer allowed to contact her in any way and that our therapy is now ended. Uggggg, that killed me! She was all I had. She's the only person I opened up to and told about my childhood. I trusted her 100% unconditionally. She made me feel like my life is worth saving. I saw her as a motherly figure. It felt like my very own mother called me and said I'm no longer her son and that I'm not allowed to talk to her ever again. I just really need therapy to recover from her. It makes me shake thinking about how cold she was, showed no compassion or care what so ever for me and my life when I needed her the most.
I've talked to 4 therapist about her, told them everything my therapist said why she's terminating me as a client, forever. All 4 of the therapist can't understand my therapist behavior. One therapist thought she might be experience reverse transference where I might remind her of a past boyfriend or something. Two therapist said she's not supposed to ever tell me what to do, but to make suggestions.
Part of me wants to report her, but I could never get myself to do that. She is/was a motherly figure to me. I care about her.............but it kills me she just threw me away like that, as if my life is meaningless.
I don't know what to do. Feel so lifeless, hopeless, worthless! I need a new psychologist before I get triggered again because next time I won't have anyone to call.