Bring your bodies fair folk and bare your baldrics for the bombastic ballad of Baby Shogun begins.

Once upon a time in the Broken Bakufu (Kingdom of Dysfunction) there dwelt the Baby Shogun. He was vassal to the Red Queen and King Weasel and scratched and clawed, betrayed and backstabbed his path all the way to middle management. He was a man as tiny in stature as he was great in ego and insecurity. With lips firmly attached to the posterior of the Red Queen, he was dragged and carried into nobility where he began his reign of error. When asked to make a decision he would chase his tail for at least half an hour, running round and round, coming to yes then no then yes then no again. The peasants who plead for his decisions became dizzy and fled before his chest pounding and fist pounding and pontificating his greatness as he would become infuriated by the pleas of the lowborn, who would dare to bother him to do his job. He was also known as Sybil of the Multiple Personalities as he could be three or four people in rapid succession. I once watched in horror as he spoke to one of his peasants, saying, "you're working too hard go home and see your family where is that report I want it NOW!" I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it myself. It's a good thing that such a stable person was in charge of so many people.

Baby Shogun was so very prickly about such silly things. He got his name when he approached my boss and I and butted in rudely. My boss said, "look everyone, it's Baby Shogun" and the name stuck. Watching him bristle helplessly was priceless. Baby Shogun was also a graduate of a public school, which is just fine, but he was so insecure about it he would shake when anyone mentioned that they came from a private school so I made sure to mention that I was a parochial private school girl all the time to him. It was fun to watch him shake and turn red.

Baby Shogun imagined his vassals rebelling at every turn and would lop off heads at the earliest opportunity. The vast majority of these "rebellions" were in his tiny head. But in crushing imaginary rebellions he created real ones. His entire section, save one, gathered in darkness to orchestrate a coup and give him a vote of no confidence to upper management. However, the plot was uncovered because of the one, Wormtongue, who ratted the rebels out to Baby Shogun the weekend before the group would send their plight up the chain. Baby Shogun spent the entire weekend in the office trying to come up with the smallest thing to hang the rebels with. It was Shakespearean. Baby Shogun also had the protection of The Red Queen and the rebellion was crushed in its infancy.

The moral of the story is that Baby Shogun was promoted, but was so stressed over his paranoia that he suffered greatly from shingles and put on a ton of weight. His new name is The Penguin.

And they lived stupidly ever after. The end.