Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer
I have a construction background. I've been pursued to return to every position and employer that I've left. I've dealt with some difficult men in difficult situations. BUT, I've never been a manager. I questioned why for years, but in the last two years I can see in myself that it is because, while I do very good work, I am not good at holding people to hard expectations. I like to be nice. I'm sure my employers see that.
I've dealt with some serious attempts at intimidation at work at times. Some of these I chose to confront, and some of these I avoided.
At home, I avoid it. I really avoid it. I am way more intimidated by my wife than I am by people I encounter through my work. I know that she needs me, truly needs me, but it is her who can threaten to walk away from me.
In my previous post someone said something about holding adults accountable; provide income, or look after the home, or disability income, or at least be appreciative and nice. I've been thinking about that since.
I've been trying to think of what boundaries I would adhere to with my wife. I don't think I have many. I trust her decision making more than my own.
I know people look at me from the outside as being a real "guy" in a lot of ways. I'm pretty comfortable saying that I'm employable in a number of sectors. I'm pretty darn self sufficient at home, as a home owner and as a parent. I commented to a friend recently that I wished I was more self-sufficient at home, and he and his wife looked at each other, then told me that part of their "worst case scenario, end of times, storm of the century, apocalypse plan" was to come to our house.
I thought being a man meant being responsible. My inherent fault is that I have few boundaries, and far less with my wife than anyone else.
Today, I have to ask her to accept more responsibility around here with a couple of things, and I am dreading it. I am dreading the possible push back, the possible counter attack. It's easier and less damaging to not ask, or not point out how much more I am already doing.
R.D. Mercer
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It sounds like you are a very dutiful man where you listen and take orders well. Perhaps without realizing it you felt the most comfortable in that role as a child where as long as you did what you were told you felt safe.
What concerns me is how you have accepted emotional neglect. That you give up your own needs to satisfy someone elses needs.
This is a good link that talks about the trauma triangle and how certain individuals use it unknowingly.
The 'Trauma Triangle' Explains 3 Classic Roles Trauma Survivors Fall Into
You tend to be stuck in the rescuer mode while your wife tends to get stuck in the victim persecuter roles. You are trauma bonded with your wife too and you don't even realize it.
Also, what may have developed in you is a desire to figure out how to help others be "happy" because it may be that due to the alcoholism you experienced in your home growing up people were unhappy and you wanted to figure out how to provide some happiness where there was dysfunction that prevented a more stable "structure" in the home. You have been trying your hardest to provide some kind of stable structure in your home now and your wife who is clearly mentally ill has been allowed to be the one in control.
Your effort to slowly set boundaries is going to create waves and conflict. And my guess is that makes you uncomfortable because you feel you are doing something wrong or failing if you don't go along with whatever it takes as long as there is some kind of structure to it.