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Earthmama said:

I'm realizing that if I can't talk about it in session, I probably shouldn't e-mail it to him, because, then it will come up in SESSION. Duh!

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I was exactly in the same situation back in January. I knew I wanted to unload some very difficult stuff, but just couldn't seem to do it live.

Here is what happened to me:

I was given a 20-minute free writing assignment. I sat down to do it and crap just poured out on on paper. I was so ashamed, embarrassed, confused that I didn't know what to do with it. At 3 AM in the morning, before I had a chance to think about it, I printed, stamped and MAIL it to my T. The next day I realized how freaked out I had been the night before. In my altered state of mind did some very extreme things. I sealed my disclosure in an inner envelope. Then in the outside envelope I included a brief preface note. This note indicated what the contents of the inner envelope was and some important instructions for my T. 1) if she did not NEED/ want to know this information or if it was inappropriate for me to disclose this way, she was to not open the inner envelope and give it back back to me. 2) If she did choose to open it, I DID NOT want her to read it to me or to discuss it in our next session. I have 2 weeks between sessions, so the the next two weeks were UNBEARABLE!

Like you I was considering not going back and even started several termination notices and dialed the office only to end up hanging up. This next statement is not intended to scare you more, but when I back for the next session, my T totally ignored my instructions. She obviously, opened up everything, and as soon as I sat down on the ugly couch, jumped right in and quoted a line from the disclosure. I totally died that session, I don't even remember most of what what said other than the crumbling of the paper as she pulled it out of my file and read from it. Honestly, it was the worst/BEST therapy session we've had. First although it was incredibly difficult, but I sat there (dissociated I think), endured it, and SURVIVED. Second, my T sent me a clear message that SHE could handle discussing anything and was not rejecting me for what I disclosed. Third, she clearly demonstrated that she was willing to carry out a request that I had made during a much earlier therapy session. In this earlier session I had clearly stated that I need someone who would speak and act in my best interest regardless of whether I liked what was said or done.

I think back now on this disclosure and my instructions. I placed my T in a very difficult situation. I think she handled it well and our therapeutic relationship is much better for it. Although to this day I still have not verbalized the intimate details and avoid openly exploring how I really feel, I at least know SHE can handle what ever happens.

Sorry for the long post. My point is, Your next session is likely going to be difficult. But you and your T will likely handle it well, and your relationship will likely grow from your honestly and disclosure.