It's past 3am. I'm still awake because I'm caught up in these thoughts.

The other day I had some drama with my mother. I'm currently living with my parents. She was trying to apologize for abusing me and mentioned she wanted to have a relationship with me. Somehow it turned into me getting triggered and really pissed, and telling her off. In fact, I made a promise to her that I'm moving out and that she'd never see me again.

I want to forgive my family (I've been abused by my brother, too. Almost everyone in my family has treated me pretty badly). But I don't think I'm capable of it. It makes me feel so guilty, because spiritually, I believe in forgiveness and I know how important it is. I'm sitting here this late crying because I can't seem to forgive them. Even when I try, I think I've made progress, then something happens and I'm an angry mess and hate them all. Back to where I started.

I'm moving out in September and starting my own life. And no, I'm not coming back. Does it make me a bad person that I don't want to work things out? That I just simply can't have a relationship with these people. That I just want to disown them all. Change my name and act like they don't exist. I feel like such an outsider, this place isn't home. I don't know what it feels like anymore to belong to a family, to feel cherished, loved, or connected. It's like they're already strangers to me. When I was a child, I'd never imagined it would be like this.