I've succumbed to depression. And searing anxiety. And soulless loneliness.

I'm at my breaking point.

It's mostly about this 'situation,' the politics, the isolation, that I'm stuck home, working (though with far less hours), I'm now told at least through the summer... I work in healthcare, I work at a hospital, I can only do part of my job through video. I'm heartbroken. I want to be there to fight the good fight. And to be with my co-workers who I miss so so much. I attend zoom staff meetings only to see them.

And my mother, who is very ill with MS, COPD, and others... Well, I can't see her. If I'm a carrier, I could kill her, she would never, ever survive this virus. She is talking vehemently about lowering her care-giver hours. She desperately needs her caregiver and I've offered to help financially.

She is also declining cognitively. She is forgetting more and getting more confused. I have chalked this up to anxiety because of the virus. But I was in a therapy session on Thursday and broke down crying about the possibility that this is not, or only in part, about anxiety related to the virus, but the beginnings of the steep cognitive decline of someone I may no longer recognize in I don't know how long. This tears me apart. I want her to get a full neurological evaluation, but I'm not sure it's the right time, for various reasons. Meanwhile, I mourn.

Last night I took 2 klonopin. No big deal, because I'm allowed to take 1-1.5. But I'm afraid it will get worse. I feel most lonely and awful in the evenings and taking klonopin and a lot of it, would shorten that pain and I'd fall into a deep sleep and skip that pain. Or some of it. The cravings are terrible.

So I need some support right now. All of us do right now.

I've just hit a new low.

Thank you for letting me share how I feel...

EDIT: sorry for the double post, I keep getting kicked out...