Just sad. Just a bone deep, aching pain. I am not agitated, but I just want my life to end. And yet, I don’t. It’s just the depression. Because I woke up with a sore throat and freaked thinking I may have covid. I can’t die. I can’t leave my son behind. RS, he could find someone else. But my son, he’d be all alone. That’s what keeps me alive during these tough times. I won’t end it all. Though I desperately want to, I know it would be the worst thing I could possibly do.

I only have a sore throat, no cough, no fever, no other sign of covid. So we will see how it goes. I’m hoping I’ll wake up tomorrow and the sore throat will be gone. Interestingly, it is only on the right side of my throat. Not even the whole throat. Very bizarre.

I’m just so ****ing depressed. I can hardly do anything except lay in bed. I made breakfast this morning so that’s good. I’m going to make dinner simply because RS doesn’t know how to make potato soup. It’s only 48 degrees here so some nice hearty soup is in order. Probably the last time we will have it till next winter, IF the temp finally starts to warm up.

I start IOP monday. The other location has evening IOP so I don’t have to miss work. It’s apparently by zoom phone call which will be interesting. I know from my work calls it’s hard to judge when to speak. Not that I really feel like speaking. I just wanted access to a dr sooner. And I didn’t want to go IP. Only problem is I now have to wait till Monday or Tuesday to meet the dr at the other location and see about getting minipress. Last night I had upsetting dreams, though I wouldn’t call them nightmares. My cat scared the absolute **** out of me though, he was apparently sleeping on top of me and something scared him and he took off like a rocket and woke me up in a panic. Thankfully I was under a thick blanket or else he would have torn into me. It was very odd.

I just want to go to sleep for awhile, just until this passes. I hate this feeling.

Love and hugs to all.