I have a history of intermittently doing self harm, as I have bipolar and GAD and other issues. Some times it's a problem, but often I can go long stetches where it's not.

Anyways, I gave up a pack a day or more smoking habit 2 months ago. I'm noticing that now that I quit smoking I've been thinking about and getting urges to self harm more. Maybe because I used smoking as a way to cope with things. It's a struggle. I just constantly think about cutting. I don't really even want to it because I don't want scars. But then I found myself buying alcohol pads to clean my stuff today. Ugh why? I'm afraid I'm going to do it.

What sucks more is that my boyfriend I've been in relationship for 2.5 years doesn't know I do it. No one does. I've not done anything super noticeable since we've been together so he didn't notice. I really don't feel comfortable telling him or him finding out. My pdoc thinks I should tell him. Heck I just told my pdoc this year and I've been seeing him since 2011. It's just such an embarrassing issue to have. I feel so ashamed to be dealing with it. People don't understand. I'm scared how he'd react. Our relationship isn't super close but he'd find out if I slip up and do it because he's the only one who sees me naked.

My pdoc wants me in therapy weekly for this and other stuff. Was looking into maybe doing it then stupid coronvirus hit.

Not sure what the point of this was other than to just vent to people who might understand since I can't tell anyone else. Any input welcome.