...but I have written down how I have been feeling in the hope I can get some advice on what I may be suffering with from a professional or someone going through similar/the same.
Symptoms
Overthinking/analysing: to a very unhealthy degree, for example if I’ve messaged a friend and they haven’t responded I may check to see when they were last online or if they have posted anything then I will get angry or upset if they’ve not replied to me and have actually begun to have outbursts of this sort to friends. I will notice if certain people have stopped liking my photos and obsess over what I’ve done to offend them or them to dislike me all of a sudden. The new narrative in my head (further explained below) is that their jealous of me which is why they don’t like me.
I care a lot about what others think of me. Always think people don’t like me and need constant reassurance. Desperate to be loved and liked and Im beginning to think it shows.
Jealousy: I get very jealous of people’s relationships with their other friends especially. Wonder why I’m no ones number 1 or go to person or why I feel generally left out always or unwanted. I can also get jealous of people’s social status, especially if I have met them and they’ve just not clicked with me for whatever reason but wonder why everyone else loves them so much as they weren’t that great and nice when I met them. I then get more annoyed seeing the interactions between these people.
There is also a voice in my head that sometimes decides everyone is jealous of me and that’s why I’m not so close with anyone. But I find hard to admit because outerly I feel extremely self conscious about the way I look and the way people think of me and perceive me. I almost strive to be absolutely perfect (whatever my idea of that is) 100% of the time and sometimes Im telling myself I’m too good for these people that’s why we never became close.
Irritability/anger: generally I try and be a very calm person, but feel sometimes I lash out in anger (never ever violently, I have only ever self harmed through anger. I could not imagine purposely hurting another human being, ever) I can have mood swings where I just could literally be annoyed by the way someone asked a question if I thought it sounded dumb. The closer the person the more likely I am to make this known. I have a lot of regret after being rude to people always and makes me want to avoid them all together to not keep being rude.
Mood swings: I can go from feeling amazing to wanting to cry. This usually seems out of the blue but am slowly realising it is a result of my overthinking usually. Like if a friend didn’t respond to a part of the message that I felt was important I would get severely upset later and put it down to them not caring enough to even read my message proper.
I feel like I wake up feeling like different people each day, some days feel the positive bubble and try hard and carry on some days I wake up and decide I just feel so outright awful before I’ve even got up. Have spend days in bed crying and I couldn’t even tell you what over now, as clearly wasn’t that important to be having such an impact on my life.
Anxiety: very much linked with the uncontrollable overthinking, worrying far too much about the future of if something bad is going to happen. Always going to worst case scenario in my head. Unable to relax and watch television sit still concentrate on something. Flitter from one thing to another constantly.
Does anyone else have the thoughts for example walking down the stairs like imagine if I just fell now or when I use a gas oven imagine the whole house setting on fire then even play out in my head what could happen in these scenarios before telling myself to stop being so stupid.
Change: get extremely upset if plans change. Minor or major. I’ve got annoyed with my Nan because she said in the supermarket she wanted hot dogs but then when we was home said she didn’t. I KNOW this is not normal!! I don’t consciously but feel I must subconsciously plan things to such an extent in my head I get annoyed or upset when something so minor changes. This is as worst as dropping out of holidays with friends because the plans have changed, getting really upset or annoyed with my mates if we agreed to have dinner together for example and they ate before instead without telling me first.
Possible trigger:
I often consider ending my life as I feel like I’m in a constant battle to be happy and I know never will be if I continue to do all of the above but feel extremely out of control with my thoughts and how I look at not only myself but others too. I have never been “good” for more than 2 days for as long as I can remember. My first “attempt” If you can call it that I was 13 and took some tablets, nowhere near enough to do anything but put me to sleep. When I told my mum what I had done she didn’t believe me. Many shoddy attempts to take my life after this and some very serious self harm which has scarred me for life.
I have noticed since breaking from my ex I haven’t got to that point of frustration that I have wanted to self harm. I’m not sure if I did it for attention from him or his mental abuse drove me to frustration, I just don’t know. However this could just be a coincidence and me getting older letting go of the self harming as I’ve already got some scars that I feel conscious about and don’t want to make myself look any worse. My ex used to regularly tell me he was self harming, most of the time he was, and I feel it became a competition of who could get hurt the worst or I would self harm to stop his abuse as he then calmed down when he realised what he was doing to me.
I have had ALOT of abusive relationships in my life. Lived with my Nan until age 8. Then moved back with My mother who started physically and mental abusive from age 10-16 ( this begun when she left my stepdad and stopped me from seeing him, my 2 sisters she had with my stepdad continued to see both parents - never knew my real dad)
When I did meet my dad at 14 he spent the last 10 years in and out of prison and on the run, Was physically violent with me once. Very mentally abusive man also.
boyfriends 13-16 & 16-24 both abusive mentally and physically.
Don’t want to go over abuse in great detail but some examples, my mum gave me my first bust lip at 14 when I was supposed to be going for a GCSE exam. Wouldn’t let me leave the house then tried to take an overdose in front of me. Confiscated my phone but I managed to call ambulance and she told them it was a prank and to leave when they arrived then she locked me in my room.
Ex boyfriend would have massive outbursts at me, usually but not always when he was drunk. Broke multiple items phones etc of mine along with my nose, smashed my whole flat. Cheated on me with multiple women and used to make me out to be crazy when questioned him.
Father is criminal, cocaine, prostitues living in the house with us (lived with him for 1 year 17-18) used to beat me down all the time and would make me beg for simple necessities while spending thousands on escorts and drugs partying etc.
I’m now 24.
I think the hardest part of all of this is how aware I am of it all. It’s not subconscious and I’m being told I’m doing it I am very self aware and feel extreme guilt and anger towards myself and desperately want to be able to function and have normal relationships with people.
