I've decided to stop trying to make games and try web-development instead, because I need to be responsible and financially independent. I understand why I need to do this, I need to do this because I've been trying to be a game-designer for years now and I've gotten nowhere with it. I'm nearly 30 years old and still a dependent, useless child. I feel bad that I can't contribute so I need to settle for whatever job I can get and help however I can. I understand that, it goes through my head over and over every day, but I feel really miserable anyway. I feel like I'm giving up. I feel like I'm losing all the purpose in my life, I feel that I am a failure and a loser. I hate myself so much. I need to settle for less than my goal because I'm not good enough. That's the deep horrible truth about myself that I need to face and make peace with. But I can't make peace with it, how do you make peace with the fact that you are not good enough? Why should a person even exist if they are not good enough? I know I'm not good enough, I've always known it, but I wasn't sure as a teen and I didn't want to believe it was true - so I worked my way into a private high school and worked really hard to get from there into the university of my dreams. I started to believe in myself then, but I couldn't keep up at university. I kept slipping more and more, and I started to realize the thing I'm terrified of is true and I'm not like the others there, I'm less than them. Even after I dropped out of university I just kept messing up more and more and more. The longer I'm alive, the more I try to be something more - the more I prove that I'm less. I'm just a waste of resources that could be going to better people who could do so much more. I hate myself, I hate being alive, I have always hated being alive and it doesn't get any better. I'm tired and sad most of the time, and happiness is erratic and short-lived. I don't want to give up, but I am tired of lying to myself about what I am capable of as well. I won't kill myself, but I don't think it's right or fair that society forces people to stay alive or commit suicide - not everyone can be a worthwhile person, there should be respectful options for lesser people to pass on. Nobody should have to live their life waiting to die simply because they were born - nobody chooses to be born and not everyone wants to be alive or serves any purpose by being alive or is even good at being alive, or even enjoys it. And it's not like this is a teenage depressive whim either, I've felt like this and had this sentiment for as long as I can remember. People keep saying it will get better, but it doesn't - I'm nearly 30 now now and it just gets worse and worse every day. I age, my opportunities pass and I lose more and more of what little capacity I once had - thing do not get better and I hate people for saying for - it's manipulative and cruel. Things don't get better. Eventually Herman and my parents will die, then I'll be all alone with my horrible self and the horrible things in my head. I'll see things and I won't have anyone to tell me that they are not real or make them go away. I'll think things and have nobody to distract me. I'll just have to sit and wait to die alone. I know I have to do this, but I'm not okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay and I'm so sad and scared, I really just wanted to talk to someone, I'm sorry.