Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilfae
For years I've been downplaying and rationalising my traumatic experiences, and defended and excused those who abused me. And as a result I've felt contempt for my reactions to it all, thinking I had no right to be depressed or to have anxiety. But lately, my therapist have been claiming that I'm still doing it, and that that's what (or one of the things) that makes it so hard to work on my depression and anxiety. In the last couple of weeks I've been alternating between believing she's right, believing she's maybe a little bit right, and thinking it's totally ridiculous. Some days I just really cannot understand how the things I've experienced could traumatize me that much. Or at all. What it was about those experiences made them so traumatic.
But at the same time, one of the reasons I find it so hard to talk about my past, is because I'm scared that the person I'm talking to will think it wasn't that bad. Because that would make me feel stupid and ashamed, I guess.
But what is going on with me?? Why am I feeling like this?? Is it possible to repress something so completely that you can't see why you were traumatized? Or does it have to do with dissociation? How bad must something be for you to dissociate? What does it take? Even on my "best" days I don't understand that I might have dissociated in those situations. I was never subjected to something very painful, and I was never scared that I might die.. I think. I am quite sure.
Some times I feel like my experiences sound much worse when I say it aloud, than when I'm thinking about it or writing about it. Then I often feel like I'm lying somehow, or exaggerating. Other times it seems so mundane that I feel ridiculous going to therapy. I'm so confused.
Does anyone relate somewhat to this?
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Absolutely. I can relate to this. When I was first diagnosed with PTSD (ironically enough my current therapist doesn't know why it took so long for me to be diagnosed with it over the years. I've had several others, but PTSD didn't come for many years. I guess the community is only now starting to better understand trauma and how it affects people) I had zero idea of what the therapist was talking about.
I couldn't think of one single thing that could have been traumatic in my life. I hadn't been a soldier (which is all I understood about PTSD at the time...it came from war is what I assumed). I was actually deeply offended that she believed it had gone undiagnosed or that I was misdiagnosed. I stopped working with her and my taking offense was one among several reasons because I just couldn't understand what she was talking about.
A year later the reality of what she was saying hit me like a freight train, and I got what she was saying and acknowledged that I struggle with C-ptsd. I think I have a post on pc somewhere venting a bit about it lol.
It has not been an easy thing to accept, however. I'm actually just starting to come out of a depressive episode because of my having to accept that this is my reality. I have to make peace with it and start from where I'm at if I hope to move forward. I had a weird disconnect in my head between what reality and what I was thinking. It's hard to explain.
But, oh yes. I have had and continue to have moments of not being able to understand why this or that could have possibly been traumatic. Why is it that others aren't traumatized by the same situation. Why only me in my immediate family? Is it only me? What is it about me that caused me to be this way?
I, too, some times feel ashamed to say it out loud because people may think that's nothing. Interestingly enough when I have shared things others believe it's traumatic for anybody to go through, but I still struggle to see it that way (for various reasons I'm sure).
Oh yeah, I definitely understand everything you've shared.
