I am almost out of moronic managers.

Call me Ishmael.... (With apologies to Herman Melville) Now me hearties, listen ye to a tale of the sea led by our Captain Ahab. Ahab t'was a young lad who had connections and thus was given ship to lead, our brave ship, the Pequod. Arrrrr, his youth, inexperience, bullheadedness, lack of social skills, inability to listen and misogyny led to his own downfall. Alas, Ahab knew that he was always right and so there was no need to heed anyone beneath him, nay. Ahab had learned it all in eight years of sitting on a desk and so he could lead anyone in any occupation doing any type of mission. Arrrrrr.

To prove his worth, intelligence, knowledge and experience and shove it in the crews' faces he had to destroy his own ship. He immediately went about attacking, persecuting and crushing the most experienced and productive members of the crew. To bolster his strategy he then went about rewarding the laziest and most incompetent members. Oh thou workest 18 hours and makest all of this happen? BAM, seize her! Floggings will commence. Oh, thou sattest and watched TV for 6 hours and then thou wentest home? Award for thee! Promotions all around!

My best friend and matey was the most competent member of the crew, outperforming the entire rest of the scurvey dogs by seven orders of magnitude. I watched her bang out several reports while another friend, who sat next to us, complained that he was tired of surfing the Internet all day and that he was so bored. Another read comics for hours. Another talked to friends all day. Another planned baby showers. After my friend pointed out his unethical behavior for altering reports, every Monday, Ahab would attackest my friend for doing too much and would spend hours inventing accusations. No false accusation was too outrageous. In half a year, the Pequod began to sink and no one was catching any whales. Walk the plank and keelhaul her! "And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it." Arrrrrrr. Senior people began to retire at an unprecedented rate and transfers out were like rats abandoning a sinking ship. Well, not like, the Pequod was sinking. Still, Ahab persisted in his vendetta, his obsession conquering any chance of success or survival.

As he closed in on my friend amid EEO complaints and the impending destruction of his own ship, he cried out, "...to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

And then, I wentest to the very top to report Ahab's sinking ship along with numerous surviving crew and alas, the Pequod sank along with Foolish Captain Ahab.

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