I believe I lost my right to live this life, to have a future here. For almost all my life I never felt like I belonged anywhere. In the years that matterd I only focused on drugs or finding a way to die. I barely graduated and now try to study a subject I don't feel interested in. But there is nothing left anymore that interests me even when I am not depressed af.

After all those years I threw away I feel like I lost any chance or right to have a meaningfull life. I never belonged but now I most certainly never will. Life now is just from one depressive episode to the next while everytime taking one part of me with it and never giving it back.

The only option reasonable to me is death because I have lost so much time and no matter how much I try, I can never make up for the time I lost. Times where I should have just done what everyone else does:Taking steps forward.
Now I am far behind seeing everyone growing up while I am still stuck with my ********. Stuck with my distgusting, boring, ugly self. Forever. An unloved moody, whiny and anxious piece of crap. My social anxiety or AvP or whatever is just showing how weak I am.

Therapy is uselss. I live a (mostly) normal life. I am surrounded with friends and family. I do the things I am supposed to do. So what should therapy improve really?

It is annoying how this **** just repeats itself over and over again. I am tierd of going through it again and again. And for what? Nothing really.