So I haven't been on here much and if a topic like this isn't allowed then I sincerely apologize and ask the moderators to please remove it.

About two years ago exactly I had a sexual encounter with a guy I met online and since it happened I've been mulling it over and over in my head and I can't figure out if it was actually rape or if maybe I just seriously regret the situation. So major Trigger warning in advance because I want to explain what happened.

I had met this guy online, we seemed to hit it off quite well. I was lonely in a new state and didn’t have any friends outside of the place I worked. I agreed to meet him at a local park one Sunday afternoon. I didn’t know where this park was but I thought it was a good public area. I arrived and met him at the park bench near the baseball diamond. We seemed to hit it off alright at first, he was into wrestling and worked part time for an auto parts company if I remember correctly. We talked for the good part of an hour then he asked me if I wanted to go for a drive to a scenic area that was near by. I agreed to go. So we left my car and took off in his car. He took me to a deserted dirt road and eventually pulled off in a secluded parking area. There were no other cars around. He asked if I wanted to get into the back seat with him, and I laughed it off not thinking he was serious. But he was. So he got more insistent. Not wanting to get him mad I agreed and got into the back seat and he joined me. He started kissing me on my lips and then my neck. I told him to wait and that I just wanted to take things slow. He replied that he was taking things slow and that I needed to relax more. He kept kissing me and then pushed me down to my back and his hands started to wander and I froze. I remember thinking that this can’t be happening. He took off my underwear which was easy because I was wearing a skirt. I told him to wait, again saying I wanted to slow down. But he didn’t listen, and He just started fingering me and I wanted to cry but I just felt numb like no emotion would come out. He took off his own pants and I started to say Look I don’t want to, But he cut me off and just abruptly told me that we had already gotten this far and he wasn't going to stop now, and he penetrated me. My thoughts raced, I knew this couldn't be happening, and I also knew he didn’t have a condom on. He asked me if I was on birth control. I said Yes but I don't want… but I didn’t finish my sentence. He just replied good and kept going. My whole body was tense and the pain from the penetration was horrible but I didn’t show any emotion on my face. He just kept going occasionally kissing my neck. I finally got the courage to speak up and told him that I didn’t want him to finish inside of me. He just kept going and told me that it would make a mess otherwise. He kept on for another minute or so before climaxing and finishing inside of me. He quickly got dressed after that I felt like I couldn't move but I also knew the faster I put on my underwear and got back in that front seat the faster he could drive me back to my car and I could go home. So I pulled on my underwear, and got into the front seat. I felt sick and also in shock. When we got back to the park where my car was parked I got out of the car without saying anything and walked to my car. He called after me that he would see me again next Sunday. I got into my car and drove back to the farm, when I got back I didn’t speak to anyone I just went straight upstairs and got into the shower. It was scalding hot but I felt like I had to wash HIM off of me. I scrubbed every inch of my body.

I'm sorry that it was graphic I guess I just wanted to be clear with how things progressed and what I actually said. I never took any action to try and push him off of me, I never actually said the words NO or STOP. I feel so guilty and ashamed for what happened and I've been carrying this around with me for the past two years without telling anyone about this incident. I think I'm finally ready to tell my therapist about it but if it wasn't actually rape I'd rather not bring it up at all just to save myself the shame.