I felt quite desperate tonight and called the crisis line. But while i was waiting i started patting my dog and felt better so i hung-up without speaking to anyone. I feel bad because of my empty days in general but about Scrabble club in particular. I played a new player tonight and it's clear that he will surpass me soon. I've been playing for twenty years and had a long slow climb up the ladder so it's upsetting to see these new people come in and zoom up in just a few years. Trying to have equanimity about it tho. Talent is not shared out fairly. I've done well with the little talent i have. I just have to be even-tempered about new players who are more talented. I wished this guy well, said he was a 'rising star' so i guess my new role as a veteran player is to encourage and support the new players.

I feel grief because at times i've felt passionately about Scrabble. That's all passed now and i am just playing to kill time and be part of something. The new player said he liked playing me and wants to play me more often. I'm at the top of our division so i guess my game is more interesting for him than the others. I actually had a fairly good night at Scrabble it turned out, once the results were in.

But in general life seems pretty empty and i feel exhausted. I dread the future of life just unfolding in this featureless mediocre manner but i can't see how it will change. If i didn't have my dog i would give up.