I am so sorry to hear what you are going through RDM. I admit that it took me a while to read your whole post as there are many similarities between what you are going through and my marriage, which I describe as a mess. Just reading what you describe made me grit my teeth.

I can really empathize with what you say about the anger issue. I've told our counselor that he's not happy unless he's not happy. He loves to be up on his high horse, pointing down at me and drilling into me all of my faults. I have tried everything I can think of and everything that the counselor has suggested. It's gets better, then goes back. The only thing that worked for me was a strategy that I called Mutually Assured Destruction (MAD). When he would find fault with even the most minor thing, looking to start a conflict, rather than be conciliatory like I had been, I would escalate to the point of divorce over crumbs on the counter or some weeds in the yard. It actually deterred future aggression.

My husband works less than me and, with covid, he works 6 hours a week while I am essential so I still work full time. I get home and he is all fired up. I totally understand how you feel unfairly treated and that the burden is on you to carry the family.

I would also classify my marriage as sexless, rare and one sided. Not by my choice. Sex is a basic human need as is love, belonging and emotional intimacy. I have a very high libido and it's driving me insane. I have to admit that I've looked around and have thought about divorce. It seems exceptionally selfish of her to deny you and then make you feel guilty and ashamed for trying to find some other means of meeting your needs, both physical and emotional. Mine would get jealous once upon a time, but it seems like we have reached this cold war detente where there is less conflict, but little intimacy. I have a stalker that tosses his bananas in the fire if I so much as interact with another man, but that's a whole other story. But I do know what being on the receiving end of jealousy is.

I guess the question for both of us is, can we see ourselves in this situation in five years? In one year? I admit that it's a difficult question for me as it's a good financial arrangement and I would stand to lose a lot in a contested divorce.

I just want to offer a warm hug and know that I do empathize deeply with so many of the things you are going through.