This is a long story,so I'll try to keep it simple. My son's dad and I separated nearly 18 years ago. We quickly got over ourselves for their sake and successfully raised them to 22 and 20 yo. I have a 12yo of my own, and he has an 11 and 6 to with a woman I'm very fond of. Our eldest son just emerged from a coma with some significant deficit. As a family it's been even more difficult with covid-19 restrictions. Not only were we restricted to one visitor for one hour a day, but I had to leave my 12 to with my dad 800 kilometres away to be at the hospital. Their dad has always been a narcissistic control freak ( my diagnosis 🤭 ) but it's really getting the better of me. He delayed telling me that my son was injured, had the dr's and police communicating with him only (sorted), failed to tell the police important information regarding my son's last contact with me( I thought it had been mentioned, I will contact them to give my statement and ensure they pass info onto me too) assumed wrongly that my son got in a fight defending my honor and criticized me for it, when my son looks towards my voice his dad puts his face in between 🤯, interferes with therapy by insisting on doing it himself ( the students did nothing because he wouldn't get out of the way) assumes that he has to do everything ( I collected paperwork and snidely said I CAN do some things, he said about time- I told him whether to go) questions every little thing I do for my son ( I was feeding him and after being criticized I reminded him that I'D taught him to eat 21.5 years ago) . He kisses our son on the mouth, something our son wouldn't have tolerated 2 mths ago, and not what they did when he was a baby. My son twirls my hair like when he was a baby and his dad tells him to rip it out, probably because HE'S bald.
He disregards my thoughts and feelings, but tries to assert his. Lots of things about me and not our son that I CAN shake off, but a lot of little things accumulating and threatening to avalanche. Am I the control freak? I'm coming home and venting to our 20 yo, not healthy, that's Not what I'm about. I can't sleep because I'm so pinged off. I've been through so much in the last few years that losing my son to brain damage is totally manageable, but I won't be excluded from his recovery, or worse competed with. Am I being competitive? My sons don't want/need to hear about my bad feelings toward their dad. My 20yo agrees that he is who he is. I should just ignore him and focus on what's important. But I feel like it's his BS hindering my best efforts and triggering me. I'm lashing out, being passive aggressive, or downright hostile, paranoia is ramping up, insomnia, over/under eating. All the good stuff 👌. Do I need to breakup with him again in my head? Should I just calm myself, try to be an adult? Or rip his face off 😠