Hi everyone. I’m new here. I’ve been living with bipolar for almost 20 years and I’ve been treated and stable for around 15 years. I have a great husband and two small kids. I’ve been working in my career (education field) for around 10 years. Life was becoming more enriched as years went on, however, I felt myself growing further apart from my husband over their years due to a conflict of interest. He also had been lying about drugs, unbeknownst to me. We are both two upper class hard working citizens and I just didn’t think he’d lie to me like he did. He had a lot of anger issues, the drugs (marijuana and nicotine) making it harder for him to cope and more extreme outbursts. Eventually, last summer I wanted to end the marriage. Since then he completely changed his ways. He’s been honest and working on himself like he’s never done before. Still, I felt distant and focused on my own career as a teacher and my upcoming internship in becoming a principal.

During around November I broke my foot and was out of work on medical leave for over a month. Things started to go downhill for me then. When I was about to return to work, I found that my assignment was changed and I was no longer teaching the students whom I’ve had and committed to earlier in the year. I got depressed and was feeling quite stressed and down. My entire team at work was changed, and I felt my life was taken away from me. Yet I tried to stay positive and keep on keepin on.

A coworker friend reached out to me and asked if I wanted to meet for a drink or two. I welcomed it and we went out to catch up. We maybe had one too many drinks and he reached over and touched my arm and told me he liked me. I felt he crossed a boundary so later that week I texted him to gently remind him that he needs to stay in his lane and not cross boundaries. He wanted to know if I’d feel different if I wasn’t married. I lied and said yes not to hurt his feelings. He came to visit me in my classroom a week or two later with a gift and suggested we go out on a date. I thought he was crazy and told me husband.

He asked if I wanted to get a drink again a couple weeks later. This is me playing with fire but also feeling confident in my integrity and commitment to my husband. I also like to drink and I’m looking for a fun time. And this guy was my friend, after all, whom I’ve always had a strong connection with. And my husband works long hours and it was a nice break to get a quick drink before going home and resuming the demanding work of making dinner and putting the kids to bed.

We met a few times after that, and I don’t know how it happened but one of the times we ended up in his car talking and listening to music after one of our drinks. That’s when it started. He tried to kiss me and I pulled away and said no. He was so hurt and it crushed me. So I climbed on top of him and let it happen. We just kissed for the record, but it was intense.

Well we started texting every day, trying to see each other one or two times a week. We tried to break up a few times, realizing it was wrong but always ending back together. After a month of this, I told him I loved him and he returned the words. Suddenly we wanted to see each other every day. We couldn’t go very long without seeing each other and I’d text him good morning when I woke up and goodnight before bed. Our spouses didn’t suspect anything. We met up in our cars and hung out for a couple hours here and there when we could. We were infatuated and started discussing maybe being together.

I had to really question if this is what I truly wanted. I talked to my therapist in great detail and she is not fond of my current husband’s behaviors. I finally felt connected to someone and I loved someone more deeply than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I took the Meyer Briggs personality test (I’m INFJ) and I google who I was most compatible with, and it was my affair partner. I also google which personality I least got along with, and it was my husband. Still, I had a family. Yet I wasn’t doing well with my current husband. I’m somewhat of a faithful person, ok I’m a very faithful person, and I was afraid of eternal damnation and that I was truly heading down the wrong path. Although my therapist encouraged me that it’s better to amicably separate from an unhealthy relationship and show my children what a healthy relationship does in fact look like with someone else. This is not to say with my affair partner per say, but just in general. Anyway, after becoming obsessed with Near death experiences and reading the Bible I decided I needed to at the very least end my affair and tell my husband what happened. Also it is fair to say that all we ever did was kiss. I did not want to go further than that, ironically trying to uphold some sense of self worth, although it was very very hard to do that. We were always all over each other and so emotionally connected. This went on for 3 months.

So I broke it off a couple weeks ago and told my husband. I didn’t give many details at all, but I did say enough. That we kissed and saw each other a few times a week. He wanted to know how many times we kissed and I said every time I saw him... He was crushed. That night was one of the worst nights in my life. I was devastated too and felt like I failed our marriage.

Since than my husband is coming to terms with it and is grateful I told him. He doesn’t know this guy but he wants to threaten to tell his wife should he ever contact me again. My husband and I are working on our relationship. We are both trying harder than ever. In a way it’s been somewhat of a blessing. I finally feel like my husband sees me and values me more than he has.

This was two weeks ago. All I can think about is the other guy. I think about him constantly all day every day. I yearn for him and it’s quite physical. I miss us and the way I felt and the connection we had. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone. Truly loved him and his soul unconditionally. He was my baby. I miss him so incredibly much.

I’ve been stable having BP1 but between this and corona stay at home order, I’m going stir crazy. A side of me wants to separate from my husband, it seems I’ll never have the connection I want with him even though we are desperately trying. And my thoughts are so consumed. My husband works 60+ hours a week and is never around. I feel broken, I feel like a failure, I feel lost and confused.

My therapist says I’m trying to do what is ‘right’ but my feelings are not aligned with my logic. I need support more than ever. I feel like a monster. I don’t want to stay in the dark.