I had a rough couple of sessions this week. My depression has worsened. I have these depression episodes where I just crash low low low. I have suicidal ideation and even some reckless behavior (while driving). T says I should not have to feel like this and wants me to get another psychiatric eval. He said it was serious. I am so confused, so low and so sick of all of it!!

I cried yesterday pretty hard. Hard enough that my chest heaved. T said I was left unintegrated by all the trauma of my childhood. I asked him if I had told him how hard this was and he said yes he thinks I have told him once or twice.

I don't want new meds. I don't want a new pdoc. I don't want anything. I just want all of this %#@&#! to go away. That's all! So there! I have %#@&#! had it!

And now he's on vacation and I have a bathroom key to hold onto?....I feel defective.