I'm a 14 year old guy.

Sometimes I feel numb, my compassion and other emotions can fluctuate, I get mad when my mind tells me when I am a sociopath, I rarely ever feel happy now because I am scared I could harm someone and feel nothing. It sucks, living like this.

As for my home situation? I don't know, my home life is good... but sometimes my mom can get mad and yell at me really badly. My mom used to get in my face and insult me, one time she did it too me and my brother over bacon... I wasn't even involved.

Because of that, I cannot empathize with my mom or respect her. I did get worried about her recently and she gets me the stuff I want... but that's it. I cannot trust her. My grandparents are nice, my grandmother definitely I like and prefer staying with, my grandfather is okay when not mad. Not like my mom when bad, but really annoying though.

My great grandmother I was close too and really sad when she died. I really liked her because she was truly nice and I miss her and how home it felt at her house. She never yelled. She never insulted me either. Her house was nice, it felt at home when you think about it and it is nostalgic to me.

My brother is similar to me, I can relate to him, and I feel the same about him like I do towards my great-grandmother. I like talking to him and don't mind him talking to me about his problems as me and him agree. He does annoy me at times though it doesn't bother me that much. He isn't abusive but gets mad at me over dumb things at times like my mom.

My school life isn't much good either, I can barely relate to other kids, and some of them make me and my brother miserable without feeling guilt. They are horrible people(well some of them). And I had a band teacher in 5th grade who I remember I think used to berate me because I wasn't good at tuba but me and him are on good terms now.

I did lie about using the school iPads and when caught the teacher's(8th grade band and music), I thought it was annoying and tiring me and I wanted to cry... especially because gym was next(the class were I was almost always miserable in. My math teacher was *****y because I never paid attention... math was just boring and hard. I don't hate her, she just is annoying at times, like my grandfather.

Though I did like my 7th grade english, history, and science teachers. They were nice and caring, people I could trust. They never yelled at me as I was good in their classes(other than using phone at times), I respected their rules and got along with others.

It just sucks because I am not normal, I really only like people who don't yell at me... well I can respect really everyone when they don't yell at me. The only person I dread is my mom, I don't hate my mom. She did things to me and my brother I don't like though.

Another person making me truly mad is hard, annoyed and upset is kind of easy, but hurting someone I care about or using me for gain is what makes me mad. I never showed violence towards my teachers, my mom, or peers because they annoyed me. Not make me truly mad.

I did get mad when a group of "friends" used my brother though and threw him out. I still am mad about it, but it isn't really affecting my life.
Another problem is love, I had 3 girlfriends yet I never really felt I loved them. I never cheated on them or anything, but my second girlfriend's friend manipulated me into believing my second girlfriend cheated on me and getting with her(the friend).

I did freak out when I found out when it was a set-up. I wasn't mad, but scared and upset. I was upset when a girl broke up with me, but I felt nothing but relief when my first girlfriend broke up with me because it was boring too me. I want to feel love though, I did care about all of them and treated them kindly... I just didn't feel the spark.

and numb, but I don't think it is depression. I just want to love and feel empathy, that's all. I want to feel love others and truly understand how they feel and empathize with them. I don't want to harm another person or animal on purpose.


I doubt these issues are the cause of my lack of empathy... but my lack and remorse + my intrusive thoughts are what I am worried about.

For more context: The most I felt empathy was when I seen a picture of a bird in an oil spill and I wanted to cry because he/she looked so helpless, afraid, and sad. This was yesterday.


And the most I felt remorse was when I yelled at my bird(Just it's name), I saw it was scared and sad and I began crying for 5+ minutes, apologizing/kissing/petting it. That was when I was 11.

I just want to feel the level of empathy and remorse like I did from those two moments. How can I?