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Kiya said:
and because i wasted her time in making it when i am supposed to have the courage to stop and tell her. it reflects on me and i just can't..

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I know this feeling. Please understand that courage has nothing to do with it, as hard as that is to believe. When we get triggered, we shut down, our bodies and minds go into survival mode. It's much, much harder to do things like tell someone to stop, because that's the nature of being triggered-you feel like you did when the abuse happened, like you were powerless to stop it. It's not the easiest thing to change, no matter how hard you want to.

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... besides with her being gone i don't want her to (possibly) feel bad or concerned about me because of it. i want her to think i'm fine and can handle things.

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Why is that important to you? What does it mean if she knows you couldn't handle this one thing? (Please note that I'm probing, curious, not trying to sound attacking!) Besides, it seems to me you ARE handling it, though it's really hard. You were triggered, and you reached out, and you're trying to find ways to get through it. Can you see the strengths you've displayed?