It wasn’t always just from my ##1 issue; husband and intimacy. It’s also from husband and lack of having my back.

Recently there was what I am sure was a nervous breakdown from my FOO turning on me over something stupid. I got over it. My sister and I have still never spoken again. I’m sure I care more about that than she does, so I let it go. It was a loss, but I accept it. So after the original breakdown, I’ve been fine about that.

Then there was the issue with my son that put both me and my husband into devastation. It’s passed. We’re in communication, so we’re okay with the situation now, though it will never be the same after how he treated us.

I’m reflecting on my emotional “disorder”. The only meltdown, disordered reaction comes from me thinking my husband is my lover and other half. He has proven to be something struggling to be adequate, but just rarely coming through. My anger and frustration led to an over the top emotional reaction.

I am so sad this happened to us. I thought I was healthy enough for a life together. I am angry at myself for being difficult. But I can’t be what he wants, and he can’t be what I want. Yet after all these years, we stay together. I am just trying to shut my mouth and be nice. I’m getting better, but I’ve said nasty things to him in my anger. If only he just could have treated me in the way I needed to feel loved. That’s the whole essence of it.

I need to learn to forget that idea. But still, I am broken because my heart is dead for how it is.