(((( mischarlotte))))) I hadn't heard it spoken of that way before "left unintegrated" but the feeling must be the same as dissociated into parts? If so, it's all you, and it is all you because it was how you did cope, and how you continue to cope... though as people age, it becomes less effective.

Is the psychiatric eval simply to determine if you need hospitalization? If he's diagnosed you, and is helping you, why does he want the other opinion again? For meds? What kind of meds?

Grr to his being on vacation. You got a key? Kewl. Is it his? How long is he taking off?

You aren't defective hon, in fact, to cope as you did as a child, you have to be superior esp in intelligence. It might be that that makes things more frustrating for you though. Therapy IS difficult, yes indeed!

Do you journal? You could post here, like a talk therapy session (shortened to be extra safe.)

You can make it through. Suicidal ideation is the "norm" for times like these, imo. You don't want to die, instead, as you said, you want things to change!!! I think it's "normal" also to feel like no one understands how horrible you feel unless you do talk suicidal ideation and ruminations of the negative things in your life.

There are plenty of members who have been where you are...and got through it. But anyway, they understand how you are feeling. Hold onto us here.