Hi everyone,

I've always been a bit timid, and I've always had it a little bit harder to meet new people., but now that I'm in college, I've realized that I can't speak up for myself, and I haven't been able to properly talk about my emotions with anyone.

I think this is all caused by my ex-step-dad who used to beat my mom, and not knowing what to do at that age (12ish), my mom would tell me to pretend I wasn't there to avoid being brought into the fight and make things worse. I've never been physically harmed by him, but one of my older sisters was pretty much chased out of the house by him, and then he turned against my mom for years.

I knew it wasn't a normal thing to happen, but I never thought of talking about it to anyone because I thought it was the kind of thing that everybody dealt with in some ways, and I never wanted to imagine those scenes again. But I haven't been able to talk about my emotions with anyone since. I've learned to shut up and say nothing, and I can't get out of that mindset. I want to be able to discuss all that with my sisters since they've lived through it too, but I can't. Even the thought of discussing it with them makes me tear up.

And it hasn't only been with my family. I can't open up to any of my friends or boyfriends. I don't think I've talked about him to anyone until I was 18. And I realized that I don't feel comfortable talking about it, but I also don't trust people enough. I don't know why, my best friend has lived through some hard times too and I've been there to help her up, but I don't feel like I can trust her with this, because it's too personal. It's been the same with my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, I tried talking to him about it, and did a little, but I never managed to say everything I had in my mind. I couldn't even really get upset with him because I didn't want to start a fight, so I basically also shut up, and every once in a while I'd blow up with all sorts of feelings, but even during that I couldn't really say anything because I didn't even know why I was feeling this way.

Basically, I don't know how to talk about my emotions with someone, even if it's something minor. I feel really locked up and lonely, and I don't know how to get out of this. I've tried writing my feelings down, trying to say little things that hint how I'm feeling, I've even told people to keep asking how I'm doing to make sure I'm not lying. I've even tried to go see a psychologist, but I feel like I was being treated like a child.

I know it's a lot of to read for not that much, and thank you if you've read all this, but this has all been accumulating for a while now, and I'm getting more and more anxious and self-conscious and I just want to be happy with myself. I just want to be OK with who I am. If anyone could try to help me