Hello BlueSkyGirl,

Welcome to the BP Forum at PC!

I hope you will find the information and the support you may be seeking.

That said, I feel you are quite courageous in sharing your current situation.

It sounds like there is a lot of pain involved and for everyone involved.

The best you can do is to move forward with the very best of intentions for everyone in your family. I don't mean you should have ill intentions for your friend. I think it is possible to have everyone's best interest in mind.

There really is not time to beat yourself up and/or to stall in determining just what is best for you and for your children. You have some major and some very meaningful work to do.

In order to take some time to discern how to move forward with best intentions, it might be helpful to step back from your affair.

If I was in your situation and was gifted with the amount of insight you have right now. I think I would have to stop, completely, and consider everyone involved. I would have to put the welfare of my children first, as they depend upon the adults around them to do what is in their best interest.

You do mention distance from your husband due to "conflict of interest," abuse and emotional distance, if I recall correctly.

I am most concerned about any "abuse." It's healthiest for us to learn how to safely end abuse in our lives. It is critical that your young children do not have any exposure to abuse.

I suggest you first seek some contact with someone trained in abuse in order to get an objective viewpoint on the severity and the type of abuse you are enduring, as well as to assist you in considering your options. I have found that even an anonymous chat with someone trained in abuse can be an eye-opening experience . Some of these organizations can support you and can help you to devise a plan to protect you and your children if you fear for your welfare and safety .

I do not know your location, so I am suggesting:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
Get Help | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Online chat available on the site.
Telephone: 1-800-799-7233

The abuse issue needs immediate attention.

I usually think it's critical to see a couple's therapist; however, there is potentially a complication when any abuse is involved. Many therapists will not see anyone being abused, together, with the alleged abuser.*

I would likely then suggest connecting with a therapist on one's own. I see you are already involved with a therapist. I have no reason to think you need a different one, as long as you feel she is truly helping you to work your way through your confusion.

*Sometimes, once the abuse has been thoroughly evaluated and people are completely safe, and after the abuser has completed some form of awareness/educational course on abuse (which often does not change their behaviors for very long, but can do so/can make a difference), some therapists will agree to meet with both parties.

I was shocked when I had first learned more about abuse. I'd first learned when seeing this wheel, years ago:

Abuse Defined | The National Domestic Violence Hotline
(This is the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel)

A brief video explanation of each spoke in the wheel is available here:

Understanding the Power and Control Wheel - Domestic Abuse Intervention Programs

I hope you will be able to reserve your time and your energy to gain support and to sort out how to safely proceed -- as you move toward making some very big decisions about the future of your family. Don't hurry through any of this, beyond making sure everyone is safe.

Many people I talk with so often say they wish they did not rush through their decisions regarding divorce. Some people think a divorce takes place within 6 months, whether or not a couple is ready to move forward with a divorce. This is a myth. Couples can take as long as they need in order to be sure they are making the best move for all concerned.

I am hoping for the highest good for everyone involved.

Love and Prayers for You and Yours ~