My Support Forums - View Single Post

sarahsweets · May 17, 2020, 04:58 AM

Hey @BlueSkyGirl: You say you wanted a neutral response and that you didnt want to be shamed and belittled. Who is doing that to you? I know I am blunt but I am not trying to shame anyone.

Quote:

-Shame
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
"she was hot with shame"
verb
(of a person, action, or situation) make (someone) feel ashamed.
"I tried to shame him into giving some away"

Shame is generally a self imposed emotion. Do you feel shame due to this situation?

Quote:

be·lit·tle
verb: belittle; 3rd person present: belittles; past tense: belittled; past participle: belittled; gerund or present participle: belittling
make (someone or something) seem unimportant.
"this is not to belittle his role"

I do not think anyone is belittling you. Its hard when someone posts something so charged. If you do not want to have opposing advice or differing opinions its helpful if you say what you are looking for. I thought you were seriously asking for opinions, I didnt know you only wanted opinions that agreed with yours or that you only wanted positive views. I am not saying this is in fact what you were looking for I am just trying to understand what you are looking for.
Sometimes when we share about something we ourselves feel shame about and ask for advice, we are wishing for someone to back up our prexisting feelings and thoughts about a situation. It can mean that we really do not want to hear from anyone that might say something not in line with our feelings. Believe me I have done that hear before so when I post something that I know might hit a nerve, I add what it is I am looking for-sort of lay out my expectations.
I may feel strongly about your situation but I did not say you were a bad mother or person, or that you were horrible and wrecking everything.
I didnt know about the autism stuff or abuse. What will an autism diagnosis do for you in this situation? In fact maybe the autism stuff DOES explain some things and means that this situation is even more difficult to manage. If it does explain things for you then what are you going to do if he is diagnosed? Suddenly drop this other man and recommit to your marriage?
You say he is abusing you which I didnt know- this is not a symptom of autism. There is no evidence to suggest that autism causes people to be abusive to children or their spouses.

Everything else aside, now there is a new piece of info that changes everything. You have to leave him. You cant tolerate that with your children. This means that ending things with the other man is even more important because now you add a violently explosive, abusive person into the plotline and this is serious.

Only you and the authorities can protect those kids. Leave now. Make a plan, find family, friends or a shelter to go to. Do not tell your husband and do not go to this guys house for safety. I hope your husband does not know where this man lives or how to contact him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

Thank you @BirdDancer. This is the neutral type of response I was hoping for. (Opposed to being shamed or belittled for my actions). I think a trial separation may be a good idea, but I'm apprehensive because I do love him. We are finding out this week that he is on the autistic spectrum. My marriage is super hard, but now I feel like I can't leave him and want to support him. At the same time, it's hard. There is no emotional connection and I'm not happy. It's hard. Thank you for your support and comment. I do appreciate it.