Hello everyone, I have been feeling psychotic 'on and off' for many years now. I think it was more consciously hidden by myself before now, due to not wanting others to know how ill, alone and scared I felt. I had an awful traumatic childhood including a narrcissistic mother and secret abuse from my father for 12 years. Schizophrenia is in my father's side of the family. His sister got diagnosed later in adulthood and she went from being so clever, having a Scholarship to not being able to cope with the basics of day to day living, let alone work. I remember her in her dressing gown all the time, drinking coffee, which is coincidentally what comforts me.
I hate the world right now, I suppose I always have done. I have encountered many nasty people and situations along the way. Even this 'SARS-Co-vid-19' virus is not making others grateful for what they have. They have to start fights with others in public. The world will get back to normal at some point, whatever normal is!?

I last recall feeling this bad when I lived alone in my flat, I tried to keep down 3 jobs at one time to pay for it, and I just ended up getting so overwhelmed and stressed (what I classified as feeling 'mad'). This occurred when I moved out of my parents home (against their wishes), because my father wouldn't stop molesting me. I couldn't function properly and had suffered so much emotional abuse (from both parents), that I was scared to be in the 'big' world. I still am terrified.

This brings me on to just a couple of hours ago. The NHS called the police round because I had to ring up to say I wasn't coping anymore at the moment. I was desperate, and couldn't avoid asking for help much longer. This manic depressive episode has lasted 6 months, I've lost 10 kilo in weight and I don't want to eat.

Lots of triggers have contributed to this current downfall. Arguing with my hubby about not cheating on him (he suspects I have been, as I am psychotic and I have lost so much weight). He admits he is paranoid at times, I have to stress through no fault of his own. I can't deal with confrontations and arguing. Ironically, I usually have to shout at the top of my voice to defend myself as a human being (with a kind conscience and soul). Otherwise, I lie in my bedroom and ignore the disturbing issue.

I have been instructed by Psychiatry that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am now fighting for a second opinion as I was told at therapy I did not need further counselling. I strongly disagree, I'd waited for a year to get an appointment, which anyone with pending mental health issues will understand is a struggle! This was another trigger, having my beliefs diminished that I needed further help.

I have been told group therapy is my only option, I can't face that as life is overwhelming enough. I don't feel able to cope socially and have lost my faith that there are still kind people out there.

The police officers were great, more helpful than psychiatry. They managed to get someone from mental health to speak to me within their visit and thankfully, the doctor will ring me this morning to ask more questions about my symptoms/Schizophrenia traits. The police lady could see I was very distressed, muddled and not coping mentally. She was so helpful in getting me some assistance.

The doctor will ask a few more questions in the morning and discussed possibility of trying an antipsychotic, such as Stemetil. I mentioned to him I'd been taking 3mg Buccastem (used from migraines, nausea and Schizophrenia). This is obviously a very small dose, but I double up if needs be and this has greatly helped with calming down the psychotic episodes, helping me to think straighter and not having conflicting voices telling me to kill myself and also thoughts of vengeance have decreased somewhat.

The lady at NHS mental health then rang to follow up. She agreed Stemetil sounded effective, and 'good'.

As usual, I have slipped through the net. However embarrassing this whole event may sound, I am glad I've stood my ground. The guy on the phone for NHS 111, was less than helpful (telling me what I didn't already know, and that there was no option but group therapy!). I proper had a go at him anyway - while frequently apologising! I'm sorry, but some people can't cope in a group, especially me!!
I am pleased I am getting some promising help. I hope I feel better and moreso, 'like myself' soon.
It is a shame how far you have to go to get a second opinion. It's mad to think that I got in my car the previous night, on all my medication and went on a frenzied drive to try and kill myself, no seatbelt.

It's so amazing, the police helped me feel I can survive another day, even if just to wait for the psychiatry doctor to ring. I thanked them so much. It's a shame my other mental health doctors have let me down.

Best Wishes to all and thanks for listening. x