I haven't wrote until now sorry but I've been reading. My husband has never been physically abusive but due to his issues and fears he's been controlling. It took his therapist, My therapist and my pdoc several conversations with him for him to understand he was too controlling and that would either kill me or make me run. When he's not in therapy he goes back to being over controlling and angry. Talk to your husband's doctor on getting on a med for aggravation. We have practice statements that mean "walk away and cool off". There suppose to be non arguable. We come back and apologize if need be (even to our son). Even if that means walking out the door in the middle of an argument and leaving on a walk for a couple of hours. Currently he's resents me for making him start therapy again but it was needed.

As far as not feeling appreciated start a date night. He has 1x a month to figure something out for you guys and you have 1x a month. It doesn't have to be expensive or even out of the house. We were visiting my parents on time and it was his turn for date night and he cooked dinner set up a tv tray to share and a candle and in the middle of dinner my parents came home. Here's two grown people sharing a TV tray 3 feet away from the normal table. It was awkward but after a bunch of questions they left us alone for the rest of our date night.

Also you could think of a bunch of little things (26+) that would make you feel appreciated and he could do the same and put them on have size index cards fold them and put them in a bag then each of you pick one a week to do for the other person and reuse them. It could be anything from watch movie of their choice while snuggling, take a walk and ask only about their day, breakfast in bed to flowers and chocolate.

Without a support team we would have not made it almost 20 years so far. I urge you to get therapy for your children too because growing up is tough and having a trusted adult outside family is priceless. They have helped my son understand our illnesses, identify and cope with his, settled parenting disagreements, and so much more.