I'm sorry I'm posting so much, but this just has me so pissed off!!!

I know I'm repeating myself, but my therapy up until this point has mainly focused on feeling safe, trusting him, etc. It's been a LOT of work and really, really hard, but he's always been a really steady, solid, caring, supportive presence, and I've JUST started to believe that yes, I can trust him, and yes, he is safe and he can help me through the things I need to work through.

So I went for this really hard session today. I was really proud of myself for going and getting through it. At the end of the appointment, when we were confirming my appointment times for next week, my standing Friday appointment wasn't available! I could come the hour before or an hour later. WHAT?!?!?!?!?! We did our usual clasping of hands/hand holding thing at the end of session, but I just didn't feel it - I was just going through the motions. When I left, I was thinking, I am SO not holding that guy's hand the next time I see him.

I'm a little slow on the whole feeling side of things, so I didn't realize until a little bit ago, many hours after my appointment, how ANGRY I am. I mean, he TELLS me "you're important, this is important, you're safe, you can trust me" and then his actions say "oh, not really". When he saw that my time wasn't available he just said "oops, I messed up, sorry". He schedules his own appointments, so HE made the mistake.

My feelings are SO hurt, and I'm totally questioning the whole therapy thing now. Like, when he says I'm important and he cares about me, is he just SAYING that?? And how am I supposed to process all of this crappy stuff I'm dealing with because I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE when I don't feel like I can trust him now? What am I supposed to do with that?

He is constantly telling me "it's okay to be angry with me" and I know that he wants me to be angry at the people in my past who have hurt me. So, did he do this on purpose to make me mad? After ALL of this WORK to learn to trust him????

I'm upset.