I am sorry you have some many things going on & I can literally feel the pain you are in, I have most of the same troubles as well(no suicidal thoughts though). At times the feeling of being so out of control of your own emotions if terrifying. It happens to me often. You are not alone! Honestly for the first time in a long time, I do not feel alone reading your thread.

I am not licensed in anyway shape or form, but I would be happy to chat anytime. It would be nice to talk to someone who has the similar responses. Best wishes to you on your journey.