I spent some major baby bonding time. I held him, told him how much I loved him, told him how special and beautiful and wonderful he was to me. How I would always be his mommy and would always take care of him, and would always protect him from harm. I rocked him, and he watched me with his eyes on mine, as I talked, as he so often does these days, studying my face to make sure mom is still there.

As i was talking his face wrinkled up into a little smile, and it made my heart happy to see him happy. And I realized that no matter what happens in my life, I will always have this beautiful and special boy who i love so much and who is such a joy...

I will make his life happy, if it takes every last breath in my body to do so. I will give him everything I can and find ways to make sure he has everything he ever needs, and enough of what he wants too. Because, how could i not? Its my whole reason for being on this earth now. Its what i am meant to do, my meaning of life.

And I thought about how perfect and special he was, and we nursed for a bit, and then I rocked him again while he stared at me and tugged on a strand of my hair as he likes to do when in my arms (ouch but i dont complain) and as he stared at me, his eyes got sleepier and sleepier until he finally just fell asleep in my arms, head to the side, hand still grasping my hair.

Now were in bed, and hes curled up beside me where he is every night, sleeping perfectly and making little noises in his sleep. I wonder what it is a baby dreams about? No matter, I am here if it gets frightening.

And now, I am going to tuck him in, snuggle up, and try to sleep until the next time the little darling needs to eat.

Heres to remembering the perfect things in life when it really feels like everything else is falling apart. Heres to trying my damndest to beat depression yet again - I made it out of my last breakdown and I can make it out of this too.