Hello, I hope everyone is staying safe during this hectic time.


There really isn't much help I could get via the net. Long story short, for three years I messed around with a guy who was heavily EU. To be fair however, I was too for a period of time. I was less than three months fresh off of a terrible breakup initiated by me. For a long time I had a very low view on love and relationships. He cheated and I ended things are three years together. When I started messing around with this new guy, I was filled in a string of casual relations with guys who I wouldn't even speak too unless I was contacting them to have sex.



When I met the EU guy, we were platonic friends for a few months & I initiated the FWB arrangement. Things were fun till they started being uncomfortable & I ended up catching feelings for him a few months into messing around. I tried to stop but was ridden with emotional pain & codependency. I was brought to tears whenever I tried to end things so months turned into a year then a year turned into three.



I realized overtime that I was just using sex a cushion for not dealing with the heartbreak I faced breaking things off with my ex. I went no contact with my former FWB in Feb. I deleted & blocked his number & have no socials. A month later he contacted me VIA Whatsapp on my birthday. I said "Thank you" then I blocked him on Whatsapp & deleted the convo. That was March & its now May. I know that after three years it will take some time to process this loss & heal so I can get back to my regular self again.



However I do have my days where I feel incredibly depressed. Some days, I wake up & start brawling. Just to be clear, I have ZERO desire to speak to him. His number is still blocked & I actually deleted my Whatsapp account because I kept adding and deleting him as a contact so I could see his profile photo and if he viewed my stories. I realized how deep I fell into the beautiful illusion of sex & coping. I don't love this guy, I loved the idea of who I wanted him to be. I initiated the arrangement & he was always honest about just wanting to be friends and not wanting to be in a relationship.



It's really painful to go through the whole no conatct thing. Even though I know its something I need to do & there is no future with me & this person. I've come to that conclusion a long time ago, but I have no idea how long it'll take to stop hurting. I feel incredably depressed & I am trying to be strong for myself, from here, I don't know what to do...things will get better I know, but the "when", thats the hardest part for me. Tears fall down my face as I type this...gonna try to keep a positive mind..could someone please help me.....I really can't get through this on my own, I'm falling apart mentally..