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angry and stressed, about work and especially now with Covid, he becomes very unhappy and dissatisfied with our relationship. He starts to become passive aggressive and cold, but then tells ME that I hate him. I am just trying to go about my day and to be happy and take care of our twins as best I can. His moods feel unpredictable and I am on guard. I know that I am human and not perfect and Im sure that I contribute to some of the faults in our marriage, but it feels like he is using me as a scapegoat, and that he is not addressing deeper issues that he needs to work on
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He IS using you as a scapegoat. You are correct he is NOT addressing his deeper issues, he avoids them by blaming you and self medicating with alcohol. He also may struggle with ADHD challenges, I noticed a lot of alcoholics struggle with ADHD challenges just through meeting different individuals involved in the AA program my husband has been very active in for the past 28 years.
Also, you need to find out because some challenges are inherited. At least there is more knowledge about certain challenges NOW compared to when I had to deal with it.