It was brave of you to share what you shared (((Jamowi))). Your healing needs to include your sharing whatever you need to share. It sounds like you got really hurt and you decided to just go through the motions and not attach so you could protect yourself from being hurt.

You are not a failure for needing to feel and mourn whatever you lost when you were hurt. I do think that spending time with a therapist can benefit you so you don't feel so alone with all of this. It's time for you to finally address your hurts and do some healing.