I agree with a lot of BlueSkyGirl's points about finding the right therapeutic relationship for you. We are all different and our needs are not exactly the same. Some may not like a therapist that isn't like a friend. Others may find that counterproductive for their goals. Transference and/or countertransference issues can also help or harm.

BethRags, what really stuck out in your post was that your therapist seems "insecure" around you. For me, that would be a no-go. It has been a no-go for me in the past. That therapist even went so far as to call my psychiatrist and tell him I "scared" her, when I was manic. She "suspended" me from going to her therapy until my psychiatrist told her I was well enough to return. I remember my psychiatrist being baffled by that. When I did eventually return, that particular therapist told me she wanted to reduce our sessions from every other week to every four weeks. She didn't even have the courage to tell me the truth. Of course I got the drift and quit her.

That's horrible. Not a good experience, at all. Sheesh.

Some time soon, I would have brought up the sensation I have of my therapist being insecure around me (she's almost too friendly - or maybe that's just her style...in a word, I wish she would challenge me more). But I just don't feel comfortable bringing such a sensitive subject up unless we're together in her office.

Only you can determine if your therapist is not working. Do you have the desire to share what you wrote with her and work through it? I realize that can be difficult and anxiety-provoking. Once I nervously opened up about a concern to a therapist, and it was a great turning point for our relationship. I was too nervous to start the discussion face-to-face. I sent her an email.

I do have that desire. I've been entirely open with her all along. Yes, it's scary for the first moment, but as soon as the words are out there the fear level drops and we can proceed with the purpose of therapy.

The problem now is (sorry to keep repeating) the sudden change in format. Not meeting in her office. I can't get the gut feeling that the privacy and security is gone.

I remember another time when I was looking for a new therapist (because my one at the time moved). At the end of the first appointment, she stated that she would not take me as a client because she'd "need a team" for me, and since she had none, it was a no-go. I remember being baffled (and laughing in my car afterwards) because no other private therapist said such a thing. It was good that I didn't waste money on her services, which were likely more geared towards people with lesser therapeutic needs, not a major mental illness with a severe history. She was obviously intimidated or otherwise unprepared for such a challenge. I wasn't in an episode at the time, and she said she found me "pleasant".

Wow! Well, at least she was honest...

My therapist before my current one seemed to always stare at me like a deer in the headlights and say little. I ended that quickly, too. Luckily, my current therapist is a good match for me.

I wonder if people with a so-called "severe" mental illness and "a history" scares a lot of therapists? Anyway, I'm so glad for you, that you found one you can work with.

I never had a female "friend-like" therapist. Some were motherly figures, a couple very professional with tight boundaries, a couple "generals", one who always gave me the stink eye and also yelled at me, and one that laughed too much at my anxious humor. A few male therapists were too "friendly".

I've had a few therapists over the years and honestly, only one out of about 6 was really helpful for me. I admit, I'm not an easy client. I'm intense, I have some manic times when I go off, and I'm outspoken. It's difficult to find a therapist who isn't afraid to work with me. Who is a lay it out on the table person. There are times when I feel like some therapists want to work with easy clients that don't present much challenge. Just give the client the basic outline, the "tools", and it's all good. An easier way to earn a paycheck.

I won't write about my psychiatrist of almost 14 years. I really like him.

That has to be a terrific relationship! I think I feel safer with my pdoc because she doesn't seem the least bit afraid of me.

Thanks, Birdie, for your input, and for sharing your experiences.