Since my last post, I got those dishes done, and my s.o. came home. I did pull things together and felt better about my situation and how I handled it.

Now he is back admitted to the hospital. I can't go into the hospital. I talk with hospital staff on the phone. I'm back to not keeping things up in this apartment. After talking with a doctor yesterday afternoon, I felt agitated and couldn't seem to slow my mind down. All day my feet and hands are cold. I feel so bad for him going through so much toward the end of his life. I feel I have to strenuously advocate for him that the hospitals and doctors really try their best to relieve his distress, and I have to keep a certain pressure on them. In healthcare, squeaky wheels get the grease.

Thank you, Rohag. I agree that it's hard to fairly judge even myself. But I do get very disorganized and that does come at least partly from a lack of self-discipline. I also recognize that this has been a long, tough struggle. I am weakening and tiring.

Thank you Rain. I feel overwrought and weary. I just hope what strength I have lasts as long as he does.

The manager of my bf's apartment complex wants his patio cleaned up. Things he has had on his patio for years are suddenly cited as things that should be removed. I recently spent hours tidying his small garden and patio. This manager recognized the improvement, but said more needs to be done. This complex continually changes the rules on what is allowable. I fear him getting an eviction notice.
Another threat to worry about. This is over the pickiest stuff. The patio actually looks quite nice.

After his last trip to the hospital, the hospice agency wouldn't take him back as a client. Hospice clients aren't supposed to go to the hospital. They say you have that right, but they punish you for using it.

One hospital doctor tried to push me into putting my s.o. into a nursing home. Nursing homes have been in the news lately - not for anything good going on in them.

I fear the future - whether a day from now, or years from now. So much threat barking at my heels.