Thank you to everyone who has responded—I woke up this morning and checked to see if my post had gone through and I was surprised to have so many supportive responses.

One thing I forgot to mention is that the physical stuff has stopped, even the “playful” stuff, because a few months back, maybe 6 or so, I very, very clearly told him it was not acceptable or okay. It had already started to taper off because I was standing up for myself more about it, not accepting his excuses for it anymore. I finally told him, firmly, no more.

We went through a period where he was very disappointed by that and was telling me I had “changed”. That has been an ongoing theme—that I have “changed”. Maybe it’s true in a way, but really the only thing that has changed is that I now stand up for myself more instead of just taking it. And I do it for myself, yes, but mostly for the twins.

I also left out that he has threatened divorce many times, one of them being on Christmas Eve at his family’s house because I “talked back to him” in front of family. That I am “talking back” is a phrase I have heard over and over. And yes, I do believe he is a narcissist—if I look up a list of the characteristics I could say he meets most if not all of the criteria. He is also very controlling and can be quite manipulative. I even had a friend point this out, after she was employed working for him directly for a short time. I believe it’s why she quit. For the most part, though, he does a really good job of hiding these parts of himself from people other than me, or those who become close to him. I have even been left wondering, on many occasions, “why does he treat total strangers so much better than he does me?”.

He is not unaware that he has problems, which in the past has given me a (false?) sense of hope. But it’s the anger and alcohol use he sees as problematic—and he is of course unaware of his narcissist tendencies.

My problem is that I truly do not have any place to go. I grew up in a somewhat toxic environment, in a high conflict household—I believe my father may also be a narcissist, my mother very quiet and passive—so taking the twins there is not an option in my mind. I do know that he cannot just kick me out, which he has also threatened previously, though not very recently.

I also make about 4-5x less money than he does, and worry he will threaten to cut off childcare so that I can work (I know this can all be resolved in court if push comes to shove). I don’t feel I am in immediate danger, but as someone in this thread pointed out—the physical stuff can escalate. And I worry about that not when he’s sober, but when he is drinking. Lately he will make an effort not to drink for a stretch of a few days, but then as a result go all-out one day and get wasted, and that’s when the really nasty side of him tends to emerge.