I can understand that feeling, I’ve been thinking about it today. I feel disgusting because of things that have happened, even though I know i didn’t ask for them to happen and I couldn’t have stopped it. Rape and sex are very different things, so you did not betray your partner as you did not consent, which makes it rape not sex. I think it’s important to acknowledge what happened, maybe then we can heal from it and move on somehow, like you said. I’m so sorry this happened to you, I hope you are safe now.