Hi all- I have BPD and I will say off the bat I’ve been a difficult client for almost every therapist I have yet also one that therapists adore because I’m smart, have potential, ect. and truly deep down a nice caring and funny person. Most my therapists I frustrate the **** out of but they also love me.

I have a problem with texting/emailing a LOT....... especially if for whatever reason I become triggered I cannot STOP and take a minute I impulsively text the therapist so angry and aggressively. I never say anything like you’re stupid or attack their “character” it’s more like something they DID that bothered me.

Due to COVID I’ve lost $ which is hard bc my therapy has lessened. My therapist is very kind and sends me an entire email a day with a DBT skill to use. She also has let me come into a group therapy she runs for free. I befriended (sort of, as in we text twice) another borderline in the group and she happened to organically tell me she is going to therapy 4x week. It was triggering for me to the max, as I am jealous and very attached to my T, territorial, and found out this is a new client. With COVID my fear is that the new people or those with $ become the center of attention ect. And I go in the back burner. I was VERY upset when the girl told me this and then organically again happened to hear from other people including a therapist that they are the busiest they’ve ever been. I do not want to hear this.

Anyways, as I was doing quite poorly a week or two ago we talked about perhaps IOP of residential or somewhere that would take my insurance. My therapist sent me an email prior saying the word “referral” which is a GIANT trigger bc I never know if that means referral as in I don’t want you as my client. It is an abandonment fear. She’s known this for years now and it’s fine to say but please just follow up with we could maybe find a referral if you need an IOP. Simple. Clarify. SO yesterday she sent me an email with subject line “low cost treatment center” and then in the body just a link. I panicked because again there was no explanation when I just told her this a week prior. I text her frantically, emailed asking what she meant can she please follow up and explain ect she did not as she tries to never respond to me to teach me not to reach out constantly. What I did next I never do- but I wrote something along the lines that such and such available always friend is gone and I have no one to talk to so I guess I’ll have to reach out to the girl in the group and talk to her: within SIXTY second I get a phone call (never happened she always ignores) screaming at the top of her lungs that she’s going to put a restraining order on me, that I’m abusive towards her, that her entire life doesn’t revolve around me, blah blah just screaming and I’m not saying “raising my voice” I mean SCREAM. It scared me so much I was silent and told her please stop. Please take a breathe. At one moment her scream was so loud it almost sounded like she was crying too I said “are you crying?” She said all I want is to help you I send you a skill every day I sent that email bc a college of mine found it and I know before you were looking at places. I said that’s fine but I told you just a few days ago or a week ago to PLEASE just include what you mean when you send any referrals you know it triggers me why would you send that. She said well you could have sent one email back asking what it meant? I said yes but you’d never probably respond plus you know it’s a major trigger. The truth is she sounded so hurt, and sad, but most of all ANGRY it was scary she literally threatened a restraining order because I’m “abusing her” with my texts nonstop. But you know why she called??? Because of the new client. Because I was manipulative and threatened that relationship in her head by her wondering what I would say also another client who I said is paying big bucks probably. In the past she has been very worried about if I speak poorly of her- to other doctors, ect. Mostly her reputation. This is something that is HER problem not mine. By the end of the call she calmed down and apologized said she was in emotion mind that she was not going to put a restraining order but she can’t handle so many texts anymore blah blah....... but I know what triggered her to call, and it was that I brought up texting her other client. She never would have called otherwise. I expected her to get worried but NOTHING to the extent she did and even towards the end of the call she said my voice hurts, I have a dog to train, blah blah. And it was calm but by the end of the call it was me sobbing not her. I was so shocked to hear someone professional yelling bloody murder, threatening a restraining order, saying her world doesn’t revolve around me, I’m abusive ect. I could hear the panic, anger (obviously), and also hurt in her voice but I also should not be treated like that.

I don’t know what to do I feel so uncomfortable. This morning I got my daily skill email and she acted like nothing happened, wrote the skill and how to act during the group therapy (that’s this evening). I, for the first time, TRULY do not feel comfortable going and I wrote a very calm professional type email to her that I’m sure she thought oh **** bc I’m usually very emotional and all over the place but this was precise and to the point and essentially said I’m emotionally drained I cannot participate tonight. Hope it goes well and I will utilize those skills next week. Thank you.. I also apologized if I hurt her in any way. But it was. Short!!! A few sentences. We have session Friday and I may cancel. I truly feel bad for my actions in that it caused that much of a reaction..... again that her reputation is so scary for her and also new $ and a client , but also feel uncomfortable, hurt, a bit scared of her......how completely unprofesssional she got. Even threatening a restraining order out of pure anger. She apologized at the end of the call- she knows she did something wrong too. She has helped me so much and been a therapist of over 2 years now........ but that was crazy and unhinged and I know I’m a difficult client but it was not appropriate. I feel bad as it almost sounded like she was crying on the phone mostly screaming but she also made a huge
Impact on me too. I don’t want to talk to her right now and I don’t know what to do. I won’t text her client I’m not causing or messing with any drama. I just feel completely detached and so drained I haven’t been able to move from my couch to the bed without being exhausted and yesterday prior to the phone call I was doing GREAT.

Thoughts? Help.