I don't think you are wrong to feel that way at all. Your feelings are yours and you are absolutely justified to feel that way, not that you need justification for how you feel at all. Not one iota.

That said, I am not the kind of person that feels like cheating is an automatic break-up offense. And my ex of 10 years was unfaithful to me, so I have some experience with all the horrible feelings and insecurities that come with such a betrayal. Thats honestly why I think that there is no cut-and-dry 'right or wrong' answer. Its incredibly complicated, nuanced, and personal. Every relationship, every situation and circumstance, and every couple is completely unique. I just thought I should at least let you know where I am coming from before I go on.

From what you've written, it seems like you really want to make your relationship work. And you've worked to rebuild it, which is really, really hard, commendable and courageous. It can also be absolutely worth it, or it can be utterly punishing. Only you can know if its worth it, if he and what you two share together is worth it.

Possibly the most frustrating part is that you can only control your 50% of the relationship. You can't make your partner be faithful - no one can, except your partner. He is responsible for meeting you halfway if he wants to make it work.

And he has to realize that trust is not a given. In fact, he shattered your trust. Trust is hard won and once broken, it can be repaired, but always bears scars. It never quite comes back together seamlessly again. There is always that "shadow." even years down the road, after a perfect record of loyalty and love, your trust might always waver just a little bit when doubt comes into play, for any reason... He's a late from work, you may not be able to help but wonder why, if his story is true? if he is taking advantage of your good faith again? And maybe he is forever faithful, but that shadow of a doubt its awfully hard to disperse once its become any part of your relationship at any point.

What I'm getting at is this... After a betrayal like your partner has committed, your partner has to be willing to actively seek to earn your trust again. It doesn't just happen. Trust is one of the most fragile and priceless things one person can give to another, and once it is broken... Trust must be earned, and deserved. And if he cannot, or will not, understand that, then... That's a problem.

So while its understandable, even admirable, that your partner is trying to work thru AA and make his amends with those he has wronged, is it unfair for you to draw a personal boundary? I am not saying this is what you should do (because again, I am not you and your choice is yours alone), but if it was my relationship, I would not hesitate to tell my husband that I needed him to sever contact with this "friend" because in the past he broke my trust so severely that I could not just give it to him. The burden of proof is on him now. And if he valued me, and our relationship, then I could not understand why he would not be willing to give me that little bit of transparency, comfort and proof by "unfriending", and stopping communication with his "friend." Once the 'making amends' bit has been accomplished - then be done. Time to move on. One way or another. For me it would be a hard boundary.

Maybe that helps you, maybe not. Sometimes a different perspective helps is all. Either way, I am so sorry you are going thru this. Its so painful, no matter the outcome. And kudos to you for trying to move beyond the past with your relationship. It takes a big person with a big heart to do what you are doing. I don't think its such a hard thing to ask that your partner meets you halfway.