Today’s session ended up being pretty intense. R started the call and remarked on my glasses.

‘I don’t think I have ever seen you in glasses before.’
‘Reading and close work – I have something I am intending to read. Thank you for your email by the way. Let’s start there.’ I took my glasses off and R wondered whether that was for her benefit.

‘After last session I was afforded some insight into my process around crying. The message ‘I shouldn’t cry’ remains dominant. I received an email with birthday wishes from a dear friend, and promptly broke down.’

‘I presume it was a nice email – so what was the difference between that and other times you have cried?’

‘This feels like a loss.’
‘It feels like a loss, or it is a loss?’

Out of nowhere, I began to cry. R urged me not to fight it, and to let go of any concern for her.

‘Just let it out if you need to. Let it all out.’ She reassured me that if she were in the same space, she would hold my hand or hug me.

‘I can still hold this space for you.’ I continued to cry, and try to gather myself.
‘It seems like a huge build up. This is the fragility you mentioned in the email...I can feel it’

I wanted to say ‘You said it,’ but continued to cry.

When I looked up, I noticed that the view I had of R had changed slightly. ‘I’m trying to move you closer to me.’

When I finally gathered myself, R asked me how I felt in that moment.

‘What the hell have I been doing?’

‘What the hell have I been doing? Is that anger?’

‘I have worked really hard to build a sense of safety, and it relies on things that are outside my control.’

‘External things.’

‘Yes.’

R said that she didn’t know anybody who doesn’t rely on external things as part of their sense of safety in difficult times.

‘And now under lockdown, you don’t have access to those things.’

‘We got away from the email. When I try to analyse things, please stop me.’

‘OK.’

‘When I composed myself the other day, I realised that there’s something around ‘I have to be OK, I don’t want people to worry about me.’

‘When you said ‘I have to be OK’, I felt my shoulders tense – that is a lot of pressure. And then ‘I don’t want people to worry about me.’ Is there something underneath that – ‘I am not worth worrying about?’

‘You said it. That links back to previous experiences where I was inundated with medical information, but didn’t ask them to stop. They had bigger things to worry about.’

‘There are bigger things to worry about than you?’
‘I didn’t choose the situation I was put in?’

‘No.’
R said something here about there being a difference in me from session to session – ‘Sometimes it’s ‘those bastards’, and other times, it’s more self-blame.’

‘If I could be in Professional Lost mode all the time and not have to deal with emotions, that would be ideal.’

‘As your therapist, who didn’t see you cry for years, I don’t want this to sound opinionated, but I am proud of you for allowing that to happen. I think you’ve been really brave. I remember the time you said ‘You don’t even know why I am crying.’ I don’t need to know.’

‘…Thank you.’

‘I felt like I might have overstepped then. Was it received in the way it was meant? I am not saying it to save you or make you feel better.’

‘Thank you – it was received in the way it was meant.’

‘There is a lot that I want to say, but I don’t know how.’

‘Try it?’

‘It has reached a point where it’s easier for me not to try to talk.’

‘Is that due to emotion or communication?’

‘Emotion, although I know it is better not to let it snowball.’

R said she could visualise that, and compared it to strength training.

‘This was not within your control. You don’t start with heavy weights.’

We finished with a breathing exercise, inhaling for 4, and exhaling for 5, then inhaling compassion and exhaling fear.