Raindrop - your post above is of more help and consolation than you realize. I am alone here in the apartment. I woke up here in the wee hour full of apprehension about how I'm going to proceed. To see some hugs and your post gives me hope that I don't have to be alone . . . that I have to have some faith in the humanity of others . . . that possibly I'm trying to do too much alone . . . and maybe it doesn't have to be that way. In short: kind responses here inspire me that I'm not alone in an empty universe.

I do need a hand. This apartment is a mess. I had been unable to keep up with the 24 hr caregiving, housekeeping, cooking and shopping. I became badly disorganized. Later today someone is coming to help me with some chores. I need to embrace getting that help, which means looking at possibilities in a new way. I try to do too much singlehandedly. I'm floundering on the rocks here.

Sometimes mercy breaks through the clouds. Before COVID the VA offered to pay for an agency to send some real nurse's aids to help me care for my friend. Unlike the "home attendants" that we've had (who don't have much caregiving skill) these persons was able to do a lot. Then when COVID hit, we stopped having this new better help. I tried to do everything myself and got overwhelmed. Then my s.o. lost his ability to stand, so I had to have help to get him in my car to go to see his oncologist. I let one of the aids come back. She was only supposed to show up on a very limited basis, controlled by her agency. But she and I got a bright idea. She was largely unemployed, or underemployed. I could pay her privately to be here when I need her, for what I need her for. (We're not supposed to do this, but I had to think outside the box.) My s.o. is still in the hospital. In a few hours this nurse's aid is coming to help me with household chores and errands. I have bad tendonitis in a few places that limits what I can do physically. This person is young, healthy, strong and good at "heavy lifting." She can help me clean the patio, so as to be in compliance with the demands of the apartment complex manager, so my s.o. doesn't get an eviction notice. When he was more well, he started a small garden of rose bushes that have become overgrown and messy looking. I tried to incorporate gardening into my schedule, but I couldn't keeo up. Management here got stricter about the appearances of patios, so now my s.o. is one notice away from being in trouble for having bushes grown to over 5 ft in height and a patio strewn with pots and implements. I have to clear all that up. Today I will have a helper who can lighten my load. She can earn some needed cash in return. My s.o. can readily afford to pay for me to have this help. I just didn't know how to recruit it. Then this capable person apoeared at the door. I need to make the most of finding her.

Delegating doesn't come naturally to me. I better learn quickly how to do it. My new helper said something smart: "While your s.o. is in the hospital, I could help you with laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping. We could get so much done during this time that he's not here needing constant attention." That's the plan for today. I've got to sort out the confusion that surrounds me. I'm scared I'll fail . . . that it's too overwhelming. I guess one breaks a big job down into smaller jobs and knocks them out of the way, one hour at a time. A lot can be done in an hour. I have to get passed the paralysis of depression.

Stuff piled up because I couldn't keep up all on my own. COVID came to town and I tried to do that. Like the rest of the country, I've got to "open up." I need hired help. My new helper is careful about COVID precautions. I have to trust her a bit. That requires a changed mindset, on my part. I've gotten so overtaken by fear and dread. I hope I can change.