So just before lockdown I began seeing a therapist through my work. I liked her instantly and felt like she understood me more than anyone ever has. Then lockdown happened which meant the only option to continue was via phone, which I just couldn’t bring myself to do as I knew it would probably create more problems for me than actually helping me as I have pretty severe phone anxiety.
I have been in a really bad place during lockdown with persistent suicidal thoughts and to be honest IÂ’m not sure how I’ve managed to get through it. I emailed the T to say I was really struggling and she replied that she was genuinely concerned for my welfare and she would look into when face to face sessions might be able to continue (she is employed by my place of work as a therapist for staff, so these decisions are not made by her).
She emailed me a few days later to say that from this week they could begin to offer a limited amount of appts and she would consider me to be high priority because of what state I have been in.
My appointment was today and as much as I was dreading going it was actually a relief when I got there. However she began the session by telling me that she could only offer me 12 sessions due to the demand they currently have for the service. I completely understand that this isn’t her decision, it is the management of our corporate resources department that dictates this kind of stuff, but I’m now not sure whether I should continue as I have major trust and abandonment/rejection issues and am worried that seeing her for 12 sessions and then suddenly having no support again may end up triggering these feelings. I think it would take me the 12 sessions to even think about beginning to feel safe enough to trust her and then ending it as I just begin to feel more comfortable will leave me feeling abandoned.
But at the same time I’m really not in a good place and I really like her and believe she may be able to help. Plus nowhere else is offering face to face sessions yet so this is my only option to get any kind of support. But I really feel in the long run it may be more damaging. She is somewhat aware of the trust and abandonment issues, although I don’t think she realises how bad it is, and she is sensitive to it and says it will be something to take in to consideration as we work together, but I’m just not sure.
Is it worth taking the risk short term even though I’m scared it may cause me big issues in the long term.