T says his caseload has not gone down any when we were talking about how much more stressful teletherapy is for him. I am confident that if he is not more open to work with me financially that he is not doing it for other clients either. He did mention being a little behind in some expenses but he didn’t elaborate. He gives every indication of being very good with finances so I assume it is no fault of his, that there was something out of his control. I know he has had several Minor health issues lately and I know how, even with insurance, this can add up. He does rent space to two other T’s in his building but obviously the details of that are not any of my business.
H is too unreliable. We make plans and then I follow them and he forgets something... like groceries or pet food that we obviously can’t just skip... so then I take away from my needs to make sure that the humans and pets are fed. I am currently trying to figure out if he really is that daft or if it is intentional. Today I am leaning towards daft as he is insisting Memorial Day is two weeks away.
I am already using credit cards to fix the lag between when I see T and when H gives me money (H honestly never pays up front for anything unless he is like on his death bed and there is no other option). But, with H not coming through with the money and the interest charges the cards are making out quickly.

T also does not see what he is currently doing with me as therapy or trauma work. From around 5th-9th grade I was severely neglected in ways that are completely triggered by the pandemic and the stay at home orders. We were just starting to figure out how to safely process that time in my life so it is not on my timeline with T and we haven’t really talked about it. Unfortunately I have also reverted back to handling the stress the same ways I did at that age... which was to hide it REALLY well. So T honestly does not have an accurate picture of how I am doing, he has no clue that I am basically totally reenacting that abuse... and I have not yet found a safe way of explaining it to him. Our “rule” is that my anxiety over disclosure is not to go over a 5 on a scale of 1-10. If I were to “just tell him” I would disintegrate to a level where I would likely need hospitalization (aka a 15 on that 1-10 scale). I have tried hinting at what I can with out overloading my stability but he isnt getting it and with me just hinting it isn’t fair to expect him to... it isn’t like it is normal types of abuse that one could just guess. Aaaaand... the “part” of me that is developmentally stuck there we call “13”. H HATES 13 and has made it completely clear she is not welcome in his home, he didn’t marry no 13 year old and he isn’t dealing with “her” BS. So... I have to know I can 100% contain between sessions.
All I can think of is my last T who called things like this “messy” and she didn’t have the time or energy to deal with “messy” so I couldn’t schedule with her until I got everything tidy and under control again. Current T knows and respects her as a T so I don’t talk about it much. I know current T wouldn’t do that but it sure feels like it right now.