Didn’t get anything done today. So tired idk why.

Just woke up at 5:30pm. I’ve been sleeping the whole night and going to bed early past few days. Early as in, not at 2-3am, but at like 11pm - 12am. I take my meds at 10pm.

Lots of crying yesterday tho. Fiancé says it’s really hard for him to be around me when I’m certain ways. Which with what he told me, it has to do with my mental illness. Like me not understanding things or being able to take hints, but I told him that is both a cognitive and social defect I’ve suffered from being so sick. Also, how I don’t talk in groups of people, like when we goto see his friends. I said I don’t like being the third wheel or the 4th wheel and I’m also shy around these people, idk them like u do. Also, how I’m sad all the time. He says it’s draining. I get that. I don’t think I’m sad all the time. The way he explained it was how i just sit at the computer desk and stare into space, or when I basically just sit and sit and sit. Or have my head down. Or I look sad.

But none of that is sadness. Unfortunately, it’s my mental illness. I sit, a lot, doing nothing but thinking. Not engaging in the computer or my phone or anything. That’s when I’m thinking. I’ve had tons of people feel awkward or question the way I look, asking me if I’m ok, because I’d be in deep thought and they’d think something was wrong. I make weird faces or I’ll stare into space. It’s really just me purely thinking about things. I’m not sad, or psychotic, or anything. Just thinking. Who doesn’t think about what all they need to do for the day? Or add up math in their head to pay bills. Etc stuff like that. Or writing my poetry or whatever.

If I have my head down it’s cuz I’m tired and resting for a few, my mind and body. Who doesn’t do that?

I think I just look weird when I’m thinking. And it’s enhanced by my facial expressions and eyes. Which also was why I was told, in high school, that I’d make a great actress. I was told I have so much expression to my face. Nearly everyone tells me, if not every single person I’ve ever met! Also, genetically, the way my eyes are shaped, my top eyelids are big. So when I’m just looking like normal, it looks like I’m high or sad. Like my eyes are half mast or whatever. Lmao.

Can’t tell u how many people in high school thought I was high in class. I don’t do drugs or smoke that stuff.

I told him most of this is a misunderstanding on his part.